Spray it on before he cheats

Muskogee, OK -- Following in the footsteps of fellow pop superstars Britney Spears and Jennifer Lopez, American Idol Season 4 winner Carrie Underwood has launched her own fragrance in a low-key ceremony at the Wal-Mart Supercenter on West Shawnee.

The perfume, simply called "Red Love Sparkle," is infused with a special pheromone designed to attract cowboys and redneck men.

"It's real' special, yall." said the Grammy-winning "Before He Cheats" singer. "Now, ladies who've always wanted to bag themselves a redneck boy can do it with just one spray of my perfume."

In an interview with the Muskogee Phoenix, Underwood revealed the idea for the scent came about during a late night "girly-girl talk" with her makeup artist and personal friend Melissa Schleicher.

"We were on the tour bus, exhausted like tired old French whores, and we just started chatting about sexual things," said Underwood. "We were both single at the time and thought, 'Gee, wouldn't it be great to just spray a perfume on our necks and get us some nice country boys for the night?'"

Underwood said she told her mentor Clive Davis about the idea. Davis, who never misses a potential business goldmine, immediately took a shine to it and called friends at Estée Lauder. Within a couple of days, a team of perfume specialists was diligently working on "Under Wood Hard," the tentative name for the scent.

"It's basically a cross of sandalwood and fried chicken, with a slight hint of barbecue sauce," said Estée Lauder perfume specialist Sophie Yorks. "We were skeptical at first about its effectivity, but now we are eating our own words."

Underwood said she's already "gone squaredancing with a half dozen cowboys" because of her new perfume.

"It's great! I'm up to my neck in cowboy love," said the once demure singer.

When asked whether or not she's concerned about her wholesome image being potentially tarnished by her risqué business venture, Underwood said: "Hells naw! I'm a woman, and I have needs. I'm not some nun in a mini-skirt. I gotta get my kinky on, too. I like to suck celery!"

"Red Love Sparkle" is now available at Wal-Mart stores across North America.

(Notice: While this story should come as obviously fake to 99% of the people out there, for the 1%, yes, this story is not real. There is no such thing as a pheromone that attracts specific people, i.e., cowboys. Additionally, Carrie Underwood is a beautiful and sweet woman, the perfect embodiment of purity, class, and elegance. The quotes attributed to her in this story are obviously not something she actually said.)