Frustrated thin travellers curse fat people under their breath.
Toronto, ON -- Thousands of air travellers became inconvenienced today after a radical group of overweight Canadians commandeered all five runways at Toronto's major international airport to protest the vilification of trans fats in Canada.
Numbering in the hundreds, members of the Coalition of Overweight Canadians and their Kindred (COCK) stormed the runways at Pearson International Airport and vowed to "sit their fat asses down on the asphalt" until health authorities promised to stop coordinated nationwide campaigns to remove trans fats from the Canadian diet.
Chanting "four-three-seven-eight, don't deny the overweight" with a megaphone, COCK President Lyle Forkmeat, 45, called for a greater understanding of the needs of people of girth in Canada.
"So many of us are languishing on diets of rice cakes, steamed vegetables and Activia. This is a horrible way to live, and we will not stand for it anymore," Forkmeat said. "We want trans fats!"
Airport officials said they were "totally caught off guard" by the protesters, who pretended to be large vacationers on their way to the Caribbean.
"It just seemed like another ordinary day, with all these fat people rushing through baggage check-in," said Lowell Jones, spokesperson for the Greater Toronto Airports Authority. "How wrong we were."
When asked why they chose the airport as a location to carry out their protest, Forkmeat said: "I saw in the news that a bunch of brown people shut down the Gardiner Expressway the other day, so I thought, why not do something similar to get people talking about our cause?"
"For too long, people get laughs out of joking about fat people's asses being large enough to land a plane on, so we decided to take over the airport," Forkmeat explained. "Well, who's laughing now?"
Certainly not Newfoundland entrepreneur Johnessy Henderson, 48, who missed a crucial business meeting because his plane could not land on time due to the protest.
"This is absolutely unacceptable," said Henderson. "I am a compassionate individual who cares about disadvantaged people, but disrupting the operations of a major international airport is not a good way to go about bringing attention to one's cause."
Fortunately, the disruption only lasted for thirty-two minutes because protesters miscalculated and didn't pack enough food and snacks. Many were starting to feel the onslaught of hypoglycemia.
Toronto Police Chief William Blair said they were able to safely lure the protesters away from the runways with baskets of chocolate chip muffins and baloney sandwiches.
"I was kinda like the Pudge Piper enticing all these overweight people with my tasty snacks," mused Blair after successfully corralling the protesters within a secure area at Terminal 3. Blair said the City of Toronto will levy a fine against COCK, but only to cover the food costs.
Toronto Mayor David Miller said they will not pursue legal action against the group, but made a stern warning to the protesters, saying that "the overweight community needs to hear two things from us. First is, occupying the Pearson International Airport isn't acceptable, and the police will prevent you from doing it and will remove you when you do. The second is that Torontonians understand that there needs to be an end to the hostilities against trans fats and certainly understand the pain fat people feel."
Ontario Premier Dalton McGuinty echoed the mayor's sentiments, saying there is a "right way and a wrong way to protest."
Forkmeat said this is not the end and vowed more protests are forthcoming.
"We are sick and tired of being ignored," he said. "Our fight will continue on, and we'll make sure we bring enough food next time. We are not afraid."
