Prehistoric vegetarians, vegans ‘probably got eaten by predators,’ says expert

Modern-day vegetarians: Lucky

London, UK — Vegetarians and vegans existed in prehistoric times, but there is no present-day evidence of their existence because they most likely got eaten by carnivorous predators before they could leave a lasting mark on the world, a leading British archaeologist has claimed.

Dr. Howard Sloane, a professor of archaeology at Cambridge University, made the spirited remark in a lecture given Saturday to a group of graduate students at the University College London’s Archaeology Hall.

“When you factor in the law of natural selection, it is not that too farfetched an idea. Ancient vegetarians and vegans were probably too weak and lethargic to outrun the predators chasing after them,” said Sloane. “Meanwhile, we have cave drawings of prehistoric men hunting wildlife for food. The facts speak for themselves.”

Sloane said that modern-day vegetarians and vegans are “extremely lucky” to live in a world where vitamin and mineral supplements abound, and more important, “most carnivorous predators are locked up in zoos or being hunted to extinction.”

“Truthfully, the whole of humankind should be thankful that a majority of our cavemen ancestors were meat-eaters,” said Sloane. “Otherwise, we all wouldn’t be here discussing this.”

The Birmingham, UK-based Vegan Society summarily condemned Sloane’s assertion, calling it “irresponsible and reckless.”

“Countless studies have shown that our forebearers were fruit foragers. Additionally, ancient vegetarians and vegans used and made materials that were biodegradable, which explains why they didn’t survive for modern men to behold,” said George Rodger, the institution’s Chair of Trustees.

Rodger added that he is more than willing to race Sloane, an avowed meat-lover, to see who sprints faster.

“I was a track and field star at university. I am pretty certain I can outrun the wanker,” joked Rodger.

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