DeGeneres: Awestruck by elk

Los Angeles, CA -- Inspired by a YouTube video of an elk grazing on a wide open meadow, comedienne and television celebrity Ellen DeGeneres announced that she is launching her own elk farm in Fresno County, California.

"I was just so awestruck by the simple beauty of elk eating grass. It didn't take me long to realize that I really would like to have my own elk farm," said the Daytime Emmy Award winner in a prepared statement.

The surprise agricultural venture comes on the heels of the talk show host's announcement Wednesday that she is creating a record label and signing 12-year-old YouTube wunderkind Greyson Chance as her first artist. Chance was spotted by DeGeneres after posting a video online of himself playing the piano and singing Lady Gaga's hit song "Paparazzi" at a sixth grade music festival.

"Yeah, that Chance sure is great, but not as great as my new elk farm," joked the American Idol judge, who plans to bring the first elk on her farm to her talk show next week.

"It'll probably just stand there and stare at me, but that's okay. It'll be a historic moment, for sure," she said.

DeGeneres added that she plans to continue scouring YouTube and using her show to find new barnyard animals, "preferably elk," to add to her farm.

Semenya: Not a girl, not yet a woman

The next World Championships in Athletics will include a new division for intersexed and transgendered athletes across all events.

The historic and ground-breaking decision was made by the International Association of Athletics Federations (IAAF) in swift response to the controversy over South African middle-distance runner Mokgadi Caster Semenya. The 18-year-old was revealed to be a hermaphrodite after suspicions arose over her gender following her victory in the 800 meters at the 2009 World Championships in Athletics in Berlin, Germany. In biological context, a hermaphrodite is an organism that has both male and female reproductive organs.

Full speed ahead for athletic hermaphrodites, ladyboys and trannies in 2011

"We want to show the world that we are a progressive organization able to move with the changes and mutations of time," said IAAF President Lamine Diack. "And so, we are proud and honored to introduce the Intersexed & Transgendered (IT) as an official division in all of our events."

In a press statement, the IAAF said it believes highly in equality and fairness and wants to ensure that imbalances and unfair advantages don't happen in any event. The governing body said they have no plans to rescind Semenya's gold medal.

Details are still being ironed out, but Diack said it will definitely be "full speed ahead for athletic hermaphrodites, ladyboys and trannies" in 2011. "We welcome all athletes, regardless of their gender or lack thereof, to compete in our championships," Diack added.

Hundreds of intersexed and transgendered athletes all over the world have already expressed enthusiasm and interest following the announcement of the IAAF decision. One of them, 17-year-old ladyboy Tram Poonapoonphom of Thailand, said she is "ready to kick some Semenya ass."

"We will see finally who is really the queen of 800 meters," Poonapoonphom said before flicking her bleached blonde hair behind her shoulders.

Poonapoonphom is biologically male with penis and testicles intact, but identifies as female after undergoing breast augmentation surgery. She said she didn't go for the full sex change operation because she will "miss her jewels" far too much.

"I'm really a girl deep down inside, but I love my penis and balls," she said, giggling gingerly like a schoolgirl.

Canadian transvestite performer Donnarama has also expressed interest in competing at the championships in 2011.

"Do they have a purse-tossing event? 'Cuz I got that one on lock, honey," said the accomplished drag queen.

Al Sharpton: new King

Plain Dealing, LA -- The Reverend Al Sharpton was caught red-faced today after he showed up to give a speech at what he thought was former NFL star Steve McNair's memorial service.

The deceased at the funeral ceremony turned out to be a namesake of the slain Tennessee Titans quarterback. He was a quiet former shoe salesman who died Saturday at age 58 after a long bout with foot cancer.

"I'm sorry, I thought this was Air McNair's memorial," Sharpton said after realizing the dead African-American in the casket was the wrong Steve McNair.

Sheila Tempest, McNair's wife, said she was "just plain dumbfounded" by the sight of one of the most influential, morally sound, selfless, integrative, and respectable black rights activists since Martin Luther King, Jr.

Sharpton briefly posed for pictures and signed autographs before making his way out of the small chapel at Plain Dealing Cemetery with his assistants in tow.

According to Tempest, she had asked Sharpton to say a few words at the gathering but was politely declined "due to a scheduling conflict."

"It was a long shot, but I understand he has a very busy schedule. But to have him here at Stevie's final gathering, just his very presence, even if it's a mistake, is an unforgettable experience that I will cherish forever," she said.

It is unclear how Sharpton ended up at the funeral in Plain Dealing, Louisiana, but witnesses say they saw Sharpton outside the chapel looking very upset and yelling at his assistants for the embarrassing snafu.

"How the hell you gon' mess up Whites Creek, Tennessee?" Sharpton was heard saying, referring to the town where a memorial is being held today for the former NFL quarterback.

McNair is scheduled to be buried in his native Mississippi Saturday.

True to all that is Morrissey

Hoosick, New York -- Thousands of Morrissey devotees are up in arms following the conclusion of a fan convention which saw an unpopular attendee walk away with the annual event's top prize.

Hollywood, California native and rumoured Mariah Carey fan Bristina Saucelace, 19, won the much-coveted top prize of the 2009 Morrissey Fans United convention held in Rensselaer County, New York. Saucelace was awarded an all-access backstage pass and front row seats to all of Morrissey's remaining North American tour stops after winning the Best Fictional Morrissey Album Title, Tracklist and Cover contest.

Saucelace's entry, titled "A Dead Rose At Leicester Square," was personally chosen by Morrissey himself from hundreds of entries, some of which were submitted by longtime fans born before the 70s.

In a press release, the event's organizers describe the winning entry as "being true to all that is Morrissey." The cover features a dead yellow rose held by a nondescript hand against a grey background. The tracklist includes such made-up ditties as "Nothing You Don't Already Know," "The Salad Is Bad," "Dance For Me, Straight Boy," "Lousy Kiss" and "I Just Want A Drink."

"The moment we saw it, there was no doubt in our minds that it was the winner," said Petula Morphine, the convention's Public Relations & Communications Director. "It made you wonder what it was about and whether or not Morrissey was gay."

Other Morrissey fans were less enthused.

"How dare she. To walk in here with her cheap hair extensions and a half-baked creation which she probably hacked together at the last minute," said Simon Appleton, 47. "How dare she indeed."

Appleton is one of thousands of fans who have taken to the Internet to voice their displeasure and disenchantment with the results of the contest which was supposed to culminate the convention at a high note and bring Morrissey fans closer together.

"She's a pariah. I doubt she even knows the words to 'November Spawned A Monster' without Googling them, and I heard somewhere that she has Mariah Carey's E=MC2 on repeat on her iPod. Like, eww," said Dennis Mumford, another disgruntled Morrissey fan who spent months crafting his own entry to the contest.

"It's all bollocks, for someone like her to come out winning this thing," said Mumford. "I'm absolutely sickened."

In accepting her prize during the event's closing ceremony, Saucelace thanked Morrissey for providing her with endless inspiration and being "tres cool," but mispronounced the name of the English county in which he was born, causing the audience to gasp in unison.

In Saucelace's defense, Morphine implored everyone to "remain open-minded and remember the tenets of Morrissey's songs."

"Morrissey does not preach persecution," said Morphine. "Rather, he preaches tolerance, and acceptance, and being kind to one another. Let's all remember that."

The former Smiths lead singer is currently on tour promoting his ninth solo LP, "Years Of Refusal," which was released in February to critical acclaim.

Mallgoer nearly had a heart attack

Wacahoota, FL -- An area man listening to a Taylor Dayne song on his iPod while walking through a busy mall has been arrested by police for disrupting business and causing a spike in hypertension in elderly mallgoers.

Dale Connor, 27, is facing one count of disorderly conduct felony charge and being held in custody at the Alachua County Sheriff's Office pending $5,000 bail.

In a statement released to local news organizations, Chief Deputy David Huckstep said Connor was taken in after authorities at the Wacahoota Shoppers' Paradise mall reported his "strange and disruptive behavior" while taking a brisk stroll through the mall premises.

"We were told that Mr. Connor was behaving as if he was the only person in the mall, like he's in some kind of dream world," said Huckstep. "It scared people."

Witnesses reported seeing him mouthing some words and "acting really affectionately toward a United States Postal Service mailbox."

One elderly male mallgoer said he nearly had a heart attack when Connor stopped right in front of him, looked him in the eye seductively, and screamed "I wanna hear your body talk to mine."

"I was dumbfounded," said Fernley Bowman, 75. "I thought the crazy son of a bitch was done' gone kiss me or something."

During police interrogation, an apologetic Connor said he was just carried away while listening to Taylor Dayne's "Prove Your Love," a song that was a Billboard Hot 100 Top 10 hit in 1988.

"I just got really into it. I got lost in the song. I started imagining I was Taylor Dayne and I was filming the video for the song," said Connor. "I'm really sorry I freaked people out. I didn't mean to."

Huckstep said that since nobody died or was hurt during Connor's "fantasy stroll," they might be able to reduce the disorderly conduct felony charge to a citation.

"We'll see how the judge feels about Taylor Dayne," said Huckstep.