Gros Cap, MI — A 13-year-old boy survived a potentially emotionally scarring cougar attack thanks to a three-week-old kitten that proved to be too cute to resist.

Kamloops, BC — Until recently, Merlyn Edwardson had been unable to have a bowel movement whenever anyone else was around, be it in a public washroom or his own home. He would rather hold back his urge to defecate than face the prospect of having someone else smell or, worse, hear his bowel movement.

St. Louis, MO — A casual partaking of Gay Pride festivities has turned sour for a family after its youngest member contracted gonococcal conjunctivitis, presumably from one of the Parade participants.

Toronto, ON — Thousands of air travellers became inconvenienced today after a radical group of overweight Canadians commandeered all five runways at Toronto’s major international airport to protest the vilification of trans fats in Canada.

Toronto, ON — Antwan White is a handsome and athletic 23-year-old law student who loves the ladies and likes to go clubbing. He also likes to hang out at gay bars. And no, he is not a part-time male prostitute.