Just despicable!

Never forget "Loverboy"

New York — Thousands gathered Sunday morning at former Tower Records stores around the United States to commemorate the 10th anniversary of the tragic release of Mariah Carey's catastrophic "Glitter" album.

In New York, dozens stood still in silence, some crying as they listened to "Loverboy,""Never Too Far," and "Don't Stop (Funkin' 4 Jamaica)" played out on the loudspeakers.

"They were a truly horrible, horrible collection of songs," said former Sony Music Entertainment head Tommy Mottola, who, along with his wife Thalia and current American Idol judge Jennifer Lopez, helped lead the commemoration on the 10th anniversary of the CD's release.

The solemn ceremony at the site of the last Tower Records store to close in New York City came with almost no security presence permeating the area one block north of the Lincoln Center on Manhattan's West Side.

At the ceremony, Mottola and his wife stood behind bullet-proof protection. Lopez, who had a hit album at the time, sang her No. 1 single "I'm Real," which contained a sample of Yellow Magic Orchestra's "Firecracker" that Carey originally wanted to use for Glitter's first single, "Loverboy."

"I think the sample was a more natural fit for my song," Lopez said after her performance. "I'm glad I got to it first before Mariah did."

At the former Landmark Plaza Tower Records Store in Alexandria, Virginia, people put up a makeshift shrine to good music with a banner that read "Never Forget" spelled out with shredded copies of the CD.

In Washington, D.C., music fans were a little more positive as they chanted "It gets better" and listened to "We Belong Together," the smash hit from Carey's 2005 comeback album, "The Emancipation Of Mimi."

Former Tower Records President Michael Solomon said the choice of former Tower Records stores as a place to congregate and remember "that fateful day in 2001" was appropriately symbolic.

"The music industry in general suffered a terrible blow that day," said Solomon. "And I believe it's directly related to the demise of Tower Records."

"Glitter" debuted and peaked at No. 7 on the Billboard Hot 200 Albums chart in the U.S. on September 11, 2001. It also performed underwhelmingly in other countries, except Japan, where it reached No. 1. It received generally bad reviews from music critics. The album's dismal performance and the critical drubbing of the film of the same title for which it was recorded are widely believed to have caused Carey to go into downward spiral and have a nervous breakdown.

Jones: "Foolish to be squeamish."

Missoula, MT -- Heterosexual men who are regularly fellated by homosexual men have a lower risk of developing prostate and testicular cancer, a research study has found.

The "Study On The General Health Benefits Of One-Way Gay Fellatio" was spearheaded by University of Montana Sexual & Liberal Studies research fellow Dr. Wendel Jones, and will be published in the upcoming Spring issue of the Men's Journal Of Health & Gender. It was initially met with jeers and snickering when first proposed in 2005, but Jones persevered to get funding, and was finally able to get it off the ground a year later.

Conducted over a period of four years, the research involved 600 men aged 23 to 54 who exclusively identify as heterosexual and enjoy penetrative vaginal sex with women. They were divided into two groups: one received oral sex on a daily basis from a team of experienced homosexual men, while the other did not. At the end of the study, all 600 were screened for prostate and testicular cancer. Eight tested positive for prostate cancer; six for testicular. All fourteen were from the group that did not get serviced orally by gay men.

Biologists who have examined the findings believe it may have something to do with "innate body resonance" (IBR), which refers to the human body's natural, ingrained inclination to react positively to external stimuli coming from another person of the same sex. In this case, the oral stimulation of a man's genitals by another man results in a positive metabolic effect that is magnified intrinsically by the body and improves its chances of resisting prostate and testicular cancer development.

"Gay men often like to say that no one knows how to please a man better than another man," said Dr. Gayle Darvill. "Well, it's not just a pick-up line. It's innate body resonance."

Darvill added "it's no surprise" that fewer gay men die of prostate or testicular cancer. "The gays have unknowingly stumbled on the secret to prostate and testicular health," said Darvill.

"The evidence is just overwhelming and impossible to ignore," added Jones, who identifies as heterosexual and also took part in the study. "If you're a straight guy, getting sucked off by another guy is not as bad as it looks, and does not deserve the social stigma it presently carries."

Jones said heterosexual men would be "foolish not to embrace" the experience of receiving oral sex from gay men for its proven health advantage, and warned that "now is not the time to be squeamish about one's prostate and testicular health."

"Gay men weren't just put on this earth for their fashion flair, impeccable taste and creativity," said Jones. "They're cancer-fighting angels that need to be encouraged, celebrated and, above all, appreciated."

The study did not look into how giving oral sex to heterosexual men affected the gay men who took part in the study, but it is generally believed that the experience left them with more than a mouthful of great memories.

Cooper: Mistaken for a surfer dude

Oceanside, CA -- Wearing Abercrombie & Fitch clothing has magically transformed a 59-year-old man into a thirtysomething "surfer dude."

Milton Cooper, who is vacationing from Clinton, Ohio, said he was confused at first when a young buff man carrying a surfing board came up to him and told him to "go get your gun, dude, and meet the crew at Coconut Point."

"I thought there was a robbery in progress on the beach or something," said Cooper. "And then someone explained to me that gun is surf slang for surfing board, that there is a surfing showdown just up the beach from where we were, and that I was mistaken for one of the surfers competing."

Cooper said he was thrilled and flattered by the incident and immediately credited the brand new Abercrombie & Fitch clothes he was wearing.

"It's got to be the Abercrombie clothes I bought this morning and am wearing now," said Cooper. "I know for sure it's not the Special K diet I started yesterday."

The insurance broker said he is considering updating his wardrobe exclusively with Abercrombie & Fitch, but doesn't want to make a hasty decision.

"I'll walk around some more in these threads and see how it goes," said Cooper. "If I get mistaken for a life guard, then I'm definitely doing it."

Cruise passenger: "I'm suing Netanyahu"

Jerusalem -- Israel's tattered international image took another hit Tuesday after it dispatched heavily armed commandos to a marine vessel sailing too close to the Gaza Strip that turned out to be a cruise ship for seniors.

The early morning raid on the SS Gilded Lily startled sleeping passengers and caused cardiac dysrhythmia in dozens of seniors, but no one suffered any life-threatening condition, according to the ship's medical crew.

Cruise passenger Edna Stilliwack, 78, condemned the raid and vowed to "sue the pants off Benjamin Netanyahu" for putting her through the horrible experience.

"I thought we were being raided by brown pirates, and that I was going to be raped and then killed," said Stilliwack.

Eyewitness reports said the raiding commandos immediately disembarked from the ship after speaking with the navigation crew and redirecting the vessel's course away from Gaza.

The Israeli Navy shortly thereafter posted a notice on its website apologizing for the intrusion and wished everyone on board the SS Gilded Lily "a safe, happy vacation away from Gaza." Commander in chief Eli Marom said he has made arrangements for each vacationer on board the ship to receive a conciliatory gift package, which includes Metamucil products, Sun-Maid prunes and Depend adult diapers.

Israeli Foreign Affairs Minister Avigdor Lieberman praised the bloodless interception of the seniors cruise ship and implored the international community to reassess its opinion of Israel as a heartless aggressor.

"This incident clearly demonstrates our capacity for logic, reason, and compassion, and it is my hope that leaders of other nations will see this," said Lieberman. "We are not a violent nation."

Israel is still on damage control after its deadly raid on a flotilla attempting to deliver humanitarian aid to Palestinians in the Gaza Strip. International condemnation was swift and harsh as the Israeli government scrambled to explain how what was meant to be a simple takeover of a civilian vessel went so badly awry.

As of press time, it is not known whether or not the Israeli government will send conciliatory gift packages to the humanitarian activists who were part of the flotilla.