Levine: 'Un-American' to wear a shirt

Washington, DC — U.S. Congressman Barney Frank has sponsored legislation making it mandatory for Maroon 5 lead singer Adam Levine to be shirtless at all times.

The U.S. Representative for Massachusetts's 4th congressional district introduced the bill in Congress one month after the band released the official video for their song "Moves Like Jagger."

In an interview with the Washington Post, Frank said that he "had had many a sleepless night" after watching the video clip, in which a very lean and sinewy Levine appears topless and dances and prances around like Mick Jagger in his heyday.

"It is just downright astounding how impossibly, mind-numbingly good-looking Mr. Adam Levine is with his shirt off. It would be un-American and a travesty to have that beauty obscured or covered up in any way," said the openly gay legislator.

Frank said he hopes to get the bill through the House Special Subcommittee on Culture & Arts and on the House floor for proper debate "within the next couple of weeks," stressing that Levine's shirtless splendor needs to be harnessed and enjoyed by all Americans as soon as possible.

If approved and passed into law, the Adam Levine Mandatory Torso Exposure bill will make it illegal for the singer to wear anything from the waist up in the United States and any of its official territories. Violations will be duly punishable by mandatory pantlessness, which could last anywhere from two weeks to six months.

The lawmaker promptly dismissed critics of the bill who say it's an infringement of Levine's individual right to privacy.

"I am doing this in the interest of our great nation, and I am sure Mr. Levine will agree that his beauty is a national treasure that must be shared," said Frank.

When reached for comment, Levine said he is a law-abiding American citizen and will do everything he can to cooperate with the law.

Watch the "Moves Like Jagger" video below.

Weiner: If you got it, flaunt it.

Queens, NY — The Association of Narcissistic Americans (ANAm) today threw their support behind embattled New York Congressman Anthony Weiner and encouraged him to "hang in there, keep your head up high, and stay strong."

In an official statement released to the press, ANAm President Rory Cummings sharply rebuked critics and pundits calling for Weiner's resignation in the wake of a disastrous sex scandal which revealed the feisty legislator engaging in inappropriate online conduct with various young women all over the United States.

"People who are dogging Mr. Weiner clearly have deep-seated personal issues regarding self-esteem," said Cummings, 45. "They see this well-groomed, beautifully-muscled, and amply-endowed person who is comfortably in touch with himself, and they just want to bring him down because of that."

"Everyone makes mistakes, even beautiful people with desirable sexual organs."

Cummings acknowledged that it was wrong of Weiner to lie about sending a sexually explicit photograph of his "huge erect penis" to a female follower on social networking site Twitter.

"The first thought that went through my head is 'Why lie about something that is a part of you that so many people wished they had?' It's unfathomable," said Cummings. "But it's okay, everyone makes mistakes, even beautiful people with desirable sexual organs."

The 45-year-old Brooklyn real estate agent with frosted blonde highlights urged members of the U.S. Congress to "stop pressuring Weiner about his sex life, and start worrying about the real issues that matter to Americans."

"Let's get real. We have a ballooning national debt, wars we can't afford, a messed-up health care system, and we're stressing over Weiner's sexual proclivities? Come on," Cummings quipped. "At least you didn't get someone like Barney Frank tweeting pictures of his naked self to everyone.

"Now THAT would be a national tragedy," said Cummings of the unsavory image.

SmithSpawn: Pointless annoyance

Washington, D.C. -- A coalition of grassroots religious groups and family-oriented organizations in the United States has started a lobbying campaign on Capitol Hill to put a stop to the showbiz careers being forged by the children of actor Will Smith.

In a statement released to the press, the American Coalition Against Will Smith's Spawn (ACAWSS), denounced the actor's "continued imposition upon the American people of his children, whom he undoubtedly sees as extensions of himself" and implored the U.S. Congress to pass a law that would criminalize their having legitimate showbiz careers.

ACAWSS is referring to Smith's two children with actress Jada Pinkett-Smith: 12-year-old Jaden Christopher Syre and 10-year-old Willow Camille Reign. The former is carving out a niche for himself as a comedy/action actor and occasional rapper, while the latter is positioning herself to be a black mini-Lady Gaga.

"We already have to haplessly endure the annoying Will Smith and his equally cloying wife Jada," said ACAWSS president Graham Riley. "Must we be subjected to their spawn as well?"

Riley stressed that his group is not being mean, just "sick and tired of seeing these kids everywhere."

"It would be one thing if the kids actually had some talent. They really don't, despite what Will Smith would have you believe," said Riley. "They're just a pointless annoyance, really."

With showbiz careers not an option for them, ACAWWS believes that Will Smith's children will be better off staying in school like everyone else. "I can see Jaden grow up to be a good hospital administrator, while Willow has the spunk of a funky grade school librarian," added Riley.

Neither Will Smith nor his immediate family could be reached for comment.

A protester kicks a police car

Toronto, ON -- Hundreds of Canadians bored with their dreary lives got a massive shot of adrenaline and excitement by deliberately getting themselves tangled in rallies aimed at destabilizing the G-20 Summit on Financial Markets and the World Economy held at the Metro Toronto Convention Centre over the weekend.

"I saw a police car burning up," said Jonny Marwood, 17. "That was wicked cool, man."

Marwood was referring to a string of incidents that occurred Friday as world leaders were arriving for the Summit. Protesters frustrated by the tight security surrounding the event decided to unleash their anger at businesses in the city's downtown core. Dozens of establishments, mostly banks and Starbucks coffee shops, were vandalized and looted, and several police cars were smashed and set on fire. The incidents quickly drew throngs of curious onlookers.

"As soon as I saw the riots on TV, I got down there fast as I can to get in on the action," said Regis McRae, 35. "It's either that, or afternoon Scrabble with Grandpa. It was a no-brainer for me."

For some, the rallies offered opportunities for instant YouTube fame.

"I wanted to do something crazy and put it on YouTube," said Graeme Covind, 16. "So me and my friend brought a video camera, and he filmed me kicking a mailbox." Covind said his G20 protest clip has already garnered thousands of views.

Unfortunately for some thrill seekers, rubbernecking at the protest rallies resulted in temporary detention, and in some worse cases, criminal charges. Imelda Scranton, 28, was part of a crowd of onlookers that got corraled in with hardcore protesters attempting one final act of defiance Sunday night near the city's Chinatown district. Police in full riot gear circled the group and held them immobilized for hours in the pouring rain.

Scranton, a part-time worker at a bowling alley, said she doesn't regret being in the wrong place at the wrong time. "It's definitely one of those experiences that you get to embellish and tell people about," she says. "It gives your life some sort of meaning and relevance. I can't wait to tell my grand kids about that night I got beat up by cops in the middle of a hurricane."

In a press conference Monday, Toronto police chief Bill Blair said he found it "regrettable that some innocent bystanders got caught in with the bad seeds."

"It wouldn't have come to this if people just stayed home instead of coming out to these things like it's Disneyland or something. You could have watched the protests on TV," Blair added.

The G20 Summit itself, which ended with a promise from all participating world leaders to cut their deficits in half by 2013, was largely ignored by the media for the most part. For instance, during the Summit's closing ceremony, CNN was running a story on Lady Gaga's bus driver instead.