Surrey, BC — A devout Lady Gaga fan is left disenchanted and feeling “duped” after learning about the existence of evergreen pop queens Madonna, Kylie Minogue and Grace Jones.

Fort Collins, CO — The mother of the 6-year-old boy who was feared to have floated away in a home-made helium balloon has reportedly broken down and confessed that the whole thing was a ruse so their family could be on TV again.

Chicago, ILLINOIS — Buxom blonde Cherry Putnam is feeling good after having helped a blind old man cross the street yesterday at the height of Black Friday shopping madness.

Michael Jackson, the erstwhile King of Pop now demoted to overseas jesting, has filed a collective lawsuit against various print and Internet publishers for refusing to publish photographs showing him and son “Prince” in Hallmark “father-and-son” moments.

Billy Corgan, the esteemed leader of The Smashing Pumpkins, will be taking vocal lessons to make his voice sound less whiny and child-like.