"Bummed out" tween looks at her toes

Surrey, BC -- A devout Lady Gaga fan is left disenchanted and feeling "duped" after learning about the existence of evergreen pop queens Madonna, Kylie Minogue and Grace Jones.

Bella Crusher, 12, made the discovery after she went through her mother's record collection to look for her Lady Gaga CD.

"I thought she had my copy of 'The Fame Monster.' She didn't have it," said Crusher. "But I found all this other stuff that was, like, so amazing."

After listening to and being blown away by Madonna's "Like A Prayer," Minogue's "Light Years" and Jones's "Inside Story," the tween took to the Internet to learn more about "these awesome ladies."

Crusher said she could not believe that all "these other women had already done the things that Lady Gaga is doing today." The tween also subsequently found out that one of the Jackass guys had already pulled off the meat-as-clothing stunt in one of their earlier episodes.

"I really thought she was original, but she just copies other people's stuff and passes it off to her fans like she's the one who came up with it," Crusher said.

The tween added that although she is "bummed out" that her pop idol turned out to be a larcenous hack, she'll get over it soon enough.

"It's okay, really. I understand. She was probably born that way," she said.

The "Poker Face" singer's new single and album, both called "Born This Way," are being released this Spring.

The Heenes: Prettier than the Gosselins

Fort Collins, CO -- The mother of the 6-year-old boy who was feared to have floated away in a home-made helium balloon has reportedly broken down and confessed that the whole thing was a ruse so their family could be on TV again.

Speaking on condition of anonymity, a source close to the family said Mayumi Heene divulged about the deception following "several Singapore Slings at a girls' night out" after her son Falcon was found safe and unharmed.

"She clearly had a little too much alcohol, and was very candid," said the source. "At one point she just burst into tears and told me they made everyone believe Falcon was on the balloon because they wanted so badly to be on TV again."

The Heene family was featured on two episodes of the reality televison show Wife Swap in 2008. Since then, the source said Mayumi and Richard Heene have been "obsessed and hell-bent" on getting some widespread attention again.

"I think deep down inside Richard and Mayumi are jealous of Jon & Kate Gosselin and want to have the same fame for themselves," the source disclosed. "And I don't blame them. They're a lovely family. They photograph well. Their children look ten times better than the Gosselin kids. So why can't they be on TV just like that other interracial family?"

Falcon Heene's disappearance after his father's helium balloon was accidentally set loose sparked a national uproar as authorities scoured the plains of northern Colorado for any signs of the youngster. The boy later showed up at their house and revealed that he hid in a space above their garage because his father had yelled at him.

During a live interview with CNN Thursday night, Falcon said he had heard his family calling his name but didn't come out of his hiding place because his father "had said that we did this for a show." The comment set off suspicion that the Heenes weren't being entirely truthful.

Richard Heene lambasted speculation that their ordeal was a hoax and dismissed his wife's alleged confession, saying that "she tends to mouth off silly things when she's intoxicated."

"I'm not selling anything. This is what we do all the time," he said. "Now if you'll excuse me, Oprah is calling."

Putnam: gimme more blind old men

Chicago, ILLINOIS -- Buxom blonde Cherry Putnam is feeling good after having helped a blind old man cross the street yesterday at the height of Black Friday shopping madness.

The 22-year-old junior executive assistant said she was on her mobile phone when she noticed the noticeably blind old man about to attempt to cross the very busy Michigan Avenue on a red light.

When it became clear that no one was going to assist the man, Putnam said she had no choice but to hang up on her best friend Daphne, who was pouring her heart out over a failed two-week-old relationship.

"Like, I totally don't hang up on my friends and stuff just like that," Putnam said. "But I just had to help that poor old man. I just hope Daphne doesn't take me off her Christmas card list this year."

The old man was reportedly very grateful for Putnam's assistance. Although he couldn't be reached for comment, street sources report he is "safe at home enjoying a Metamucil drink and reading the latest issue of The Braille Monitor."

Putnam said she works in the area and was on her way home from a bit of after-Thanksgiving shopping when she encountered the man. She said she got some "pretty good" deals this year, including the latest Britney Spears CD, "Blackout," which she bought for 99 cents from a street vendor.

"All my friends paid, like, 15 bucks for it. Suckers!" said Putnam.

"Blackout," Britney Spears' fifth studio album, has fallen out of the Top 20 of the Billboard 200 album chart less than a month after its release.

Los Angeles, CA -- Michael Jackson, the erstwhile King of Pop now demoted to overseas jesting, has filed a collective lawsuit against various print and Internet publishers for refusing to publish photographs showing him and son "Prince" in Hallmark "father-and-son" moments.

bent*spud™ was among the 100-plus publications named in the suit as "despicably heartless media entities" deliberately sabotaging his career by ignoring said photographs.

The photos were a part of a desperate publicity blitz launched in mid-1997 by Jackson's recording company in a bid to polish up his tarnished image. They were picked up and run by large circulation magazines such as Life, People, and Time, but were largely ignored by the smaller presses, including bent*spud™.

Jackson is suing for "career damages" and is demanding a compensation of approximately $60 million. He has also asked the court to order the closure of the companies named in the suit until it is certain that there is no further threat to his career.

According to a spokesperson for Jackson, "these magazines have deliberately ignored the expensive photographs thus undermining his efforts to reintegrate into mainstream society and regain public acceptance."

The court of Los Angeles has granted the singer's injunction request, which has resulted in the closure of all the publications being sued. However, the case will not go into formal proceedings until all facts have been gathered and properly reviewed.

bent*spud™ was officially padlocked on December 10, 1997 by a representative of the District Attorney's office accompanied by Bubbles, Michael Jackson's pet monkey.

bent*spud™ publisher Thornton Mulchwegger immediately mobilized a legal team to reverse the ruling. However, snags in the appeals process forced the indefatigable Mulchwegger to settle out of court.

Negotiations for an out-of-court settlement were conducted throughout January, February and March. An agreement was reached on March 23. bent*spud™ lawyer Archimedes Tsoutsoupopolakos said they "tried to make it as painless as possible."

In exchange for publishing privileges, bent*spud™ has agreed "to affirm Jackson's heterosexuality every chance it could." The injunction was supposed to have lasted until the end of November 1998, but Tsoutsoupopolakos was able to shorten it and allow an April publishing comeback for bent*spud™ by promising to send Mulchwegger's thirteen-year-old nephew Clive Darling to the singer's Neverland ranch at least once a month to play with his monkey.

"We hope your nephew likes monkeys," one of Jackson's lawyers told Bouth shortly after the agreement was finalized.

"We're back in the game and that's not because we caved in but because we knew how to play," said Mulchwegger.

When asked whether he is concerned about his nephew's safety, Mulchwegger replied, "Clive is a black-belter. He once drop-kicked me after I accidentally touched his bottom."

Clive Darling's first visit to Neverland has been scheduled next month.

The bald-headed rocker decided to take lessons after listening to the band's "Mellon Collie and The Infinite Sadness" for the first time without cranking up the bass on his CD player.

Sources close to Corgan said that the singer immediately realized how thin his voice was, "perhaps too thin to be a rock star."

"He got angry at his friends for not telling him the truth," said Tom Weldman, Publicity Coordinator for the Smashing Pumpkins. "All these years and not a word. They just led him on to believe that he has this really great voice which he doesn't. It was a mean thing to do."

Recording sessions for the new Smashing Pumpkins CD will begin as soon as Corgan's vocal training is put in place.