Lady Gaga: proud to eat at Hooters

Los Angeles, CA -- The first ever all-tranny Hooters restaurant was launched in high style Wednesday with the appearance of special guest Lady Gaga, who came dressed as an expired Rice Krispie snack.

The "Poker Face" singer said she was thrilled to be at the exclusive launch party attended by members of West Hollywood's elite drag community and their friends. "This is a long time coming. Now, for the first time in my adult life, I am proud to step into a Hooters restaurant," she gushed.

Hooters President & CEO Coby G. Brooks said plans for a franchise that exclusively employs transvestites and transsexuals as its waiting staff have been on the drawing table as early as 1999, but "the Bush-Cheney years got in the way."

"Now, with the mainstream popularity of individuals like Lady Gaga and shows like RuPaul's Drag Race, this is definitely an idea whose time has come," said Brooks, who gave Lady Gaga an unprecedented, non-expiring "all you can eat" pass to the newly-opened restaurant.

As with regular Hooters restaurants, the waitresses at the "all-tranny" franchise will be wearing the distinctive uniform of a white tank top with the "Hootie the Owl" logo and the location name on the front paired with the famously short orange runner's shorts.

Brooks encourages patrons to be as frisky as they want with the tranny waitresses, as long as they don't reach into their shorts. "Our trannies work hard and are focused on their jobs. The last thing they want is for their tucks to come undone on a busy night while serving chicken wings and beer," he said.

First-time patron Roland Majors, 34, said he didn't know what to expect at first, but was genuinely surprised by the experience he'd had getting served by 23-year-old tranny Shanice LeGreece.

"Until tonight, I'd never seen a tranny up close before. They're such fun creatures!" Majors said. "I'm definitely coming back."

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The Heenes: We're gonna be hair models! Take that, media!

London, England -- Whether or not it was a premeditated publicity stunt, the tale of the runaway helium balloon in Colorado seems to have worked out in favor of the besieged family at the center of it all.

English celebrity hair magnate John Frieda is reportedly very keen on hiring Richard Heene, his wife Mayumi and sons Falcon, Bradford and Ryo as models for a new hair design portfolio that insiders say will "revolutionize hair in the 21st century."

"John is really enthralled by the Heene family's hair," said Morgan Greystone, a close associate of Frieda's. "He's already got all kinds of fabulous ideas. This whole thing is going to be massive."

Greystone said Richard Heene's bowl cut hairstyle is "nearly impeccable" as it is. "We're just going to add some highlights to it and reintroduce it as the Mature Backstreet Boy Cut," he added.

For Mayumi Heene, Greystone said they are planning a reinvention of the classic Nancy Kwan Cut.

"We figured it was time for the Kwan Cut to make its comeback, and what better conduit than Mayumi," said Greystone. "We just have to do something about all that grease that's weighing her hair down."

The Heene boys are being considered for a "radical new look" for young boys based on Chinese Communist leader Mao Zedong's hairstyle.

"No one's really appropriated that look and John thinks now is a good time to get ahead of the curve, what with socialists running freely everywhere," Greystone said.

Heene family lawyer and spokesperson David Lane said that Richard and Mayumi are "tickled pink by the thought of being hair models and can't wait for the official offer from John Frieda."

"It's not a reality show dedicated to them, but at this point, they'll take what they can get," said Lane.

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Dove Whiteface: It don't matter if you're black or white.

Multinational corporation Unilever has expanded its Dove personal care product line with the release of a commemorative Michael Jackson beauty bar called 'Dove Whiteface.'

"We wanted to celebrate Michael Jackson the best way we can, and we feel this is it," said Chairman Michael Treschow. "We understand and feel deeply for Michael's struggle with vitiligo and hope this new product would help others suffering from the same condition."

Vitiligo is a relatively common chronic skin disorder that causes loss of pigmentation in patches of skin. Jackson said he suffered from the condition, which eventually led him to the drastic measure of eradicating the pigmentation in his entire body.

The product, which shipped to retails stores worldwide just days after the televised memorial service for the late King of Pop, contains the active ingredient monobenzene which not just lightens but actually removes pigment from the skin. Regular use of the product would eventually leave a permanent albino complexion. Unfortunately, anyone who uses the product would have to stay away from the sun for the rest of their life, a side-effect which Treschow says is acceptable.

"You get to have beautiful alabaster skin. So what if you have to carry an umbrella or wear a mask in public at all times?" said Treschow.

Michael Jackson's family has not officially sanctioned Whiteface, but his sister LaToya reportedly has already ordered a year's supply.

"She's crazy about it. She understands the product, and we are happy to give it to her at cost," said Unilever Marketing Chief Ceska Torche. "We are actually considering her as the official spokesperson."

Whiteface retails at $365 for a package of two bars.

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Bang: I don't need no iPhone

San Francisco, CA -- A Silicon Valley comptroller is considering legal action against his co-workers after being teased about not owning an iPhone during a company gathering earlier this month.

Park Sum Bang, 37, said he was quietly enjoying the event, a monthly celebration of all employee birthdays and anniversaries, until it became known to everyone present that he is still using a Nokia 3310.

"They were all talking about how great their iPhones were and showing each other what cool applications they'd installed on them," said Bang. "I became uncomfortable after I realized that everyone in the office, including the mail boy, had an iPhone."

"I am smart. I don't need a Steve Jobs gadget to help me navigate my life."

Bang, who works for a factory that manufactures erotic computer accessories, said he started to make his quiet exit from the function when his Nokia rang and someone recognized the distinct ringtone.

Within moments, Bang said, "everyone descended upon me and started making fun of my outdated technology."

"It was Grade 9 all over again," Bang added.

The married father of two said he was too traumatized to concentrate on work and had to take the rest of the day off.

"When I came in to work the next morning, everyone started calling me 3310," Bang said. "It's really unsettling, and I have talked to my lawyer about possible legal action."

When asked why he wouldn't just "do as the Romans do" and buy an iPhone to get everyone off his back, Bang said, "my Nokia 3310 is working fine, and I have no intention to switch to the iPhone just because everyone else has it."

"I don't need to know what time it is in Germany, or what the temperature is going to be like, or how much to tip," Bang remarked, in obvious reference to some of the more popular applications the iPhone can carry. "I am smart. I don't need a Steve Jobs gadget to help me navigate my life."

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FedEx: Smellable packages

Vancouver, BC -- Federal Express couriers smell nice, a market study has found.

Conducted by the market research division of Pricewaterhouse Coopers (PWC) Canada over a period of 90 days, the study involved randomly selected mid-size and Fortune 500 companies throughout Canada.

Participants were simply asked to rank the couriers they deal with on a daily basis according to how pleasantly they smelled.

"How couriers smell is just as important as how reliable they are when it comes to delivering packages."

PWC Canada market research specialist Darlene Megman said FedEx unanimously topped the list, followed by Purolator, UPS and DHL.

"FedEx couriers, it would seem, are well-bathed," she said.

The study has found that Purolator couriers are generally scentless and clean-smelling, clinical almost. However, 4% of respondents reported their "Purolator couriers smell like Patchouli."

United Parcel Service people tend to be a little on the musty and fusty side. One respondent remarked, "It's not a bad smell, just very antiquated."

DHL couriers have been roundly described as "possessing this faint greasy odor."

"It's like they had just emerged from a really poorly-ventilated Asian restaurant," said Jeremy Fink, who works for Wal-Mart Canada. "Even at 10 in the morning, they still smell like that. Not that there's anything wrong with that, of course."

PWC Canada initially had planned to conduct a more thorough market research on the courier companies operating in Canada but had to scale it back due to budget cuts. Megman defended their decision to focus on the olfactory side of the delivery business, saying "how couriers smell is just as important as how reliable they are when it comes to delivering packages."

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