Kamloops, BC — Until recently, Merlyn Edwardson had been unable to have a bowel movement whenever anyone else was around, be it in a public washroom or his own home. He would rather hold back his urge to defecate than face the prospect of having someone else smell or, worse, hear his bowel movement.

Plain Dealing, LA — The Reverend Al Sharpton was caught red-faced today after he showed up to give a speech at what he thought was former NFL star Steve McNair’s memorial service.

Piscataway, NJ — An accountant who displayed no trace of grief or sadness during Michael Jackson’s televised memorial service Tuesday has been ordered by his employer to submit to psychiatric evaluation immediately.

Pahrump, Nevada — While the whole world mourned in unison for Michael Jackson, an ice cream vendor beloved by many in the community was being buried quietly in a simple ceremony, surrounded by those he knew and whose lives he touched.

St. Louis, MO — A casual partaking of Gay Pride festivities has turned sour for a family after its youngest member contracted gonococcal conjunctivitis, presumably from one of the Parade participants.