Royal Oak, MI — GOP vice presidential candidate Paul Ryan will appear topless at the only scheduled vice presidential debate in Danville, Kentucky on Thursday, as well as key campaign stops thereafter.

Boston, MA — Mitt Romney’s campaign team is planning to release video footage of the Republican presidential nominee playing with kittens in an effort to repair his sagging public image, an anonymous source has revealed.

El Segundo, CA — While it’s still too early to tell whether or not we’ll see him in the White House, expect Mitt Romney and his family in a doll house near you soon.

Washington, DC — U.S. Congressman Barney Frank has sponsored legislation making it mandatory for Maroon 5 lead singer Adam Levine to be shirtless at all times.

Queens, NY — The Association of Narcissistic Americans (ANAm) today threw their support behind embattled New York Congressman Anthony Weiner and encouraged him to “hang in there, keep your head up high, and stay strong.”