Levine: 'Un-American' to wear a shirt

Washington, DC — U.S. Congressman Barney Frank has sponsored legislation making it mandatory for Maroon 5 lead singer Adam Levine to be shirtless at all times.

The U.S. Representative for Massachusetts's 4th congressional district introduced the bill in Congress one month after the band released the official video for their song "Moves Like Jagger."

In an interview with the Washington Post, Frank said that he "had had many a sleepless night" after watching the video clip, in which a very lean and sinewy Levine appears topless and dances and prances around like Mick Jagger in his heyday.

"It is just downright astounding how impossibly, mind-numbingly good-looking Mr. Adam Levine is with his shirt off. It would be un-American and a travesty to have that beauty obscured or covered up in any way," said the openly gay legislator.

Frank said he hopes to get the bill through the House Special Subcommittee on Culture & Arts and on the House floor for proper debate "within the next couple of weeks," stressing that Levine's shirtless splendor needs to be harnessed and enjoyed by all Americans as soon as possible.

If approved and passed into law, the Adam Levine Mandatory Torso Exposure bill will make it illegal for the singer to wear anything from the waist up in the United States and any of its official territories. Violations will be duly punishable by mandatory pantlessness, which could last anywhere from two weeks to six months.

The lawmaker promptly dismissed critics of the bill who say it's an infringement of Levine's individual right to privacy.

"I am doing this in the interest of our great nation, and I am sure Mr. Levine will agree that his beauty is a national treasure that must be shared," said Frank.

When reached for comment, Levine said he is a law-abiding American citizen and will do everything he can to cooperate with the law.

Watch the "Moves Like Jagger" video below.

Weiner: If you got it, flaunt it.

Queens, NY — The Association of Narcissistic Americans (ANAm) today threw their support behind embattled New York Congressman Anthony Weiner and encouraged him to "hang in there, keep your head up high, and stay strong."

In an official statement released to the press, ANAm President Rory Cummings sharply rebuked critics and pundits calling for Weiner's resignation in the wake of a disastrous sex scandal which revealed the feisty legislator engaging in inappropriate online conduct with various young women all over the United States.

"People who are dogging Mr. Weiner clearly have deep-seated personal issues regarding self-esteem," said Cummings, 45. "They see this well-groomed, beautifully-muscled, and amply-endowed person who is comfortably in touch with himself, and they just want to bring him down because of that."

"Everyone makes mistakes, even beautiful people with desirable sexual organs."

Cummings acknowledged that it was wrong of Weiner to lie about sending a sexually explicit photograph of his "huge erect penis" to a female follower on social networking site Twitter.

"The first thought that went through my head is 'Why lie about something that is a part of you that so many people wished they had?' It's unfathomable," said Cummings. "But it's okay, everyone makes mistakes, even beautiful people with desirable sexual organs."

The 45-year-old Brooklyn real estate agent with frosted blonde highlights urged members of the U.S. Congress to "stop pressuring Weiner about his sex life, and start worrying about the real issues that matter to Americans."

"Let's get real. We have a ballooning national debt, wars we can't afford, a messed-up health care system, and we're stressing over Weiner's sexual proclivities? Come on," Cummings quipped. "At least you didn't get someone like Barney Frank tweeting pictures of his naked self to everyone.

"Now THAT would be a national tragedy," said Cummings of the unsavory image.

SmithSpawn: Pointless annoyance

Washington, D.C. -- A coalition of grassroots religious groups and family-oriented organizations in the United States has started a lobbying campaign on Capitol Hill to put a stop to the showbiz careers being forged by the children of actor Will Smith.

In a statement released to the press, the American Coalition Against Will Smith's Spawn (ACAWSS), denounced the actor's "continued imposition upon the American people of his children, whom he undoubtedly sees as extensions of himself" and implored the U.S. Congress to pass a law that would criminalize their having legitimate showbiz careers.

ACAWSS is referring to Smith's two children with actress Jada Pinkett-Smith: 12-year-old Jaden Christopher Syre and 10-year-old Willow Camille Reign. The former is carving out a niche for himself as a comedy/action actor and occasional rapper, while the latter is positioning herself to be a black mini-Lady Gaga.

"We already have to haplessly endure the annoying Will Smith and his equally cloying wife Jada," said ACAWSS president Graham Riley. "Must we be subjected to their spawn as well?"

Riley stressed that his group is not being mean, just "sick and tired of seeing these kids everywhere."

"It would be one thing if the kids actually had some talent. They really don't, despite what Will Smith would have you believe," said Riley. "They're just a pointless annoyance, really."

With showbiz careers not an option for them, ACAWWS believes that Will Smith's children will be better off staying in school like everyone else. "I can see Jaden grow up to be a good hospital administrator, while Willow has the spunk of a funky grade school librarian," added Riley.

Neither Will Smith nor his immediate family could be reached for comment.

Palin: AnnexMex now

Columbia, SC -- Former Alaska governor and 2008 Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin believes that annexing Mexico as an official self-governing, unincorporated territory of the United States will solve the country's perennial illegal immigration problem.

The outspoken Tea Party luminary made the bold statement at a "no holds barred" press conference following her public endorsement of South Carolina GOP gubernatorial candidate Nikki Haley.

"It's such a simple solution, really, and to be honest, I can't believe no one has seriously considered it before," Palin said in response to a reporter's question about where she stands on the hot button issue of illegal immigration.

Citing Puerto Rico as an example, Palin said it makes sense to make Mexico an official U.S. territory as it will dissuade Mexicans from illegally sneaking into the U.S. "Mexicans are dying literally to get onto U.S. soil. If we make their country U.S. soil, then they'll stop trying because they already are on it," she said.

In addition, Palin also stressed the many benefits of having "a whole other country" added to the U.S.

"For one, we have over 100 million people to draft from should we ever need to fight another war overseas," Palin said. "We don't have to send our own kids anymore. The Mexicans can go and die for us."

The "Going Rogue" author also beamed at the thought of having unrestricted access to Mexico's natural resources and taco exports.

"Oh, I do love a good taco, especially the ones made by real Mexicans," Palin added.

Bachmann: Wear a blouse, you unfrilly lesbian!

Minneapolis – Saint Paul, MN -- The health care debate in the United States has taken an unusual twist today after Minnesota congresswoman Michelle Bachmann announced she would support President Barack Obama's reform initiative if liberal talk show host Rachel Maddow wears a frilly blouse.

Bachmann issued the challenge at a special town hall meeting she called in Minnesota's 6th district in order to get the pulse on a number of hot button issues, as well as to test out a new "walk and wave" technique she recently learned at a posture and poise school.

"I have just had about enough of the left-wing liberal media. You know, sick puppies like Rachel Maddow," Bachmann said in her speech to an enthusiastic crowd of 2,500. "They talk hot air all the time, but what have they got to show for all their yappin'?"

Bachmann said critics of the Republican opposition to the proposed sweeping changes to health care are "too blinded by their left-wing bias and too comfortable in their Armani suits and Hybrids to even bother to try to see the debate from the conservatives' perspective."

"Unlike these liberals, I am willing to put my money where my mouth is," Bachmann stressed. "Rachel Maddow, I dare you to wear a frilly blouse and see it from my perspective. I bet you can't."

As a wager, Bachmann said she would rescind all of her negative opinions and criticisms of health care reform and throw her full support behind President Obama if Maddow complies. Bachmann then assured the crowd that "unfrilly lesbians like Maddow don't have the guts to wear a nice chiffon blouse."

The town hall meeting concluded with Bachmann giving away new autographed 8x10 head shots she had recently taken at a Sears in Coon Rapids, Minnesota.

As of presstime, Maddow has not issued an official response to Bachmann's challenge. Calls to her production office are not being answered.