Palin: AnnexMex now

Columbia, SC -- Former Alaska governor and 2008 Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin believes that annexing Mexico as an official self-governing, unincorporated territory of the United States will solve the country's perennial illegal immigration problem.

The outspoken Tea Party luminary made the bold statement at a "no holds barred" press conference following her public endorsement of South Carolina GOP gubernatorial candidate Nikki Haley.

"It's such a simple solution, really, and to be honest, I can't believe no one has seriously considered it before," Palin said in response to a reporter's question about where she stands on the hot button issue of illegal immigration.

Citing Puerto Rico as an example, Palin said it makes sense to make Mexico an official U.S. territory as it will dissuade Mexicans from illegally sneaking into the U.S. "Mexicans are dying literally to get onto U.S. soil. If we make their country U.S. soil, then they'll stop trying because they already are on it," she said.

In addition, Palin also stressed the many benefits of having "a whole other country" added to the U.S.

"For one, we have over 100 million people to draft from should we ever need to fight another war overseas," Palin said. "We don't have to send our own kids anymore. The Mexicans can go and die for us."

The "Going Rogue" author also beamed at the thought of having unrestricted access to Mexico's natural resources and taco exports.

"Oh, I do love a good taco, especially the ones made by real Mexicans," Palin added.

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Bachmann: Wear a blouse, you unfrilly lesbian!

Minneapolis – Saint Paul, MN -- The health care debate in the United States has taken an unusual twist today after Minnesota congresswoman Michelle Bachmann announced she would support President Barack Obama's reform initiative if liberal talk show host Rachel Maddow wears a frilly blouse.

Bachmann issued the challenge at a special town hall meeting she called in Minnesota's 6th district in order to get the pulse on a number of hot button issues, as well as to test out a new "walk and wave" technique she recently learned at a posture and poise school.

"I have just had about enough of the left-wing liberal media. You know, sick puppies like Rachel Maddow," Bachmann said in her speech to an enthusiastic crowd of 2,500. "They talk hot air all the time, but what have they got to show for all their yappin'?"

Bachmann said critics of the Republican opposition to the proposed sweeping changes to health care are "too blinded by their left-wing bias and too comfortable in their Armani suits and Hybrids to even bother to try to see the debate from the conservatives' perspective."

"Unlike these liberals, I am willing to put my money where my mouth is," Bachmann stressed. "Rachel Maddow, I dare you to wear a frilly blouse and see it from my perspective. I bet you can't."

As a wager, Bachmann said she would rescind all of her negative opinions and criticisms of health care reform and throw her full support behind President Obama if Maddow complies. Bachmann then assured the crowd that "unfrilly lesbians like Maddow don't have the guts to wear a nice chiffon blouse."

The town hall meeting concluded with Bachmann giving away new autographed 8x10 head shots she had recently taken at a Sears in Coon Rapids, Minnesota.

As of presstime, Maddow has not issued an official response to Bachmann's challenge. Calls to her production office are not being answered.

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Obama: We are beautiful, no matter what they say

New York, NY -- Even though he is actually not a woman and has not won any state-level beauty pageants, U.S. President Barack Obama has been unanimously declared as the winner of the 2010 Miss USA beauty pageant.

In an unprecedented move, billionaire Donald Trump, who jointly owns and runs the pageant with NBC Universal, said in a press statement they are giving the title to Obama for his extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation between peoples, a cornerstone of the Miss USA core of values.

"Only very rarely has a person to the same extent as Obama captured the world's attention and given its people hope for a better future," said Trump. "Besides, let's just face it. He is a handsome black man who would look good wearing the Miss USA tiara and maybe a nice evening gown."

The announcement came less than a day after Obama was declared the winner of the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize by the Norwegian Nobel Committee, a move that has polarized political pundits and analysts and irked many conservatives in the United States.

"I do not feel that I deserve to be in the company of so many of the transformative beauty queens who've been honored by this title," Obama said. "But let me be clear: I do not view it as a recognition of my own beauty, but rather as an affirmation of the beauty of all Americans who strive for justice and dignity, and with whom I share this title wholeheartedly."

In a brief statement at the White House Rose Garden, President Obama said he is "deeply humbled" by the decision of the Miss Universe Organization.

"I do not feel that I deserve to be in the company of so many of the transformative beauty queens who've been honored by this title," Obama said. "But let me be clear: I do not view it as a recognition of my own beauty, but rather as an affirmation of the beauty of all Americans who strive for justice and dignity, and with whom I share this title wholeheartedly."

Trump is brushing off criticisms that giving the Miss USA title to Obama might irreparably damage the pageant's reputation and render the time-honored art of female beauty pageantry meaningless.

"Meaningless schmeaningless," said the outspoken Trump. "Beauty knows no gender."

Paula Shugart, president of the Miss Universe Organization, said that while Obama has already been chosen as Miss USA 2010, they will still conduct the pageant normally to find a runner-up.

"We all understand how busy President Obama is, with his burgeoning foreign policy initiatives and efforts to secure world peace, and those might interfere with his ability to fulfill his Miss USA duties," said Shugart. "As such, we need to ensure that someone else can carry on for him."

Obama and his runner-up will be officially crowned at the Miss USA 2010 pageant, to be held at the Theatre for the Performing Arts in Planet Hollywood Resort and Casino in Las Vegas on April 18, 2010.

White House insiders say that Obama intends to donate his Miss USA prize package, which includes a 2-year scholarship from The New York Film Academy, custom evening wear wardrobe by Carlos Alberto Haute Couture, cosmetics from Darac Beauty, a shoe wardrobe from Nina Footwear, one year supply of CHI hair care products and tools from Farouk Systems, swimsuit wardrobe from Jessica Simpson Swimwear, luxury accommodations in a New York City apartment, and personal appearance wardrobe and stylist consultations, to American Idol Season 3 winner Fantasia Barrino.

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Michaëlle Jean: Hannibal rising?

Ottawa, ON -- Canada's Governor General Michaëlle Jean's adventurous taste buds have landed her in hot water yet again after she participated in an ancient Hasidic circumcision ritual which culminated in her eating the freshly cropped foreskin of a newborn Jewish male infant.

The circumcision rite, a variation of the traditional brit milah, is performed on the thirteenth day of a Hasidic Jewish boy's life, and involves the serving of the excised foreskin in a special ceremonial lentil soup to the chosen godparents, or kwaterin.

The newborn who received the rite is the son of a close family friend of Jean's. She was among the many godparents in attendance at the event, held at the private residence of Israeli Ambassador Alan Baker.

There were no plans to publicize Jean's appearance at the intensely personal event, but the story leaked out to the press after Federal Finance Minister Jim Flaherty, who also attended the ceremony, made a brief reference to it around the watercooler at Parliament Hill.

Jean was reportedly asked what she thought of the foreskin soup, to which she responded, "You know, it's kinda like chicken, but more tender."

Children's advocates worldwide have denounced the event and called Jean a "ruthless cannibal with an insatiable, ravenous appetite for blood."

"The Governor General's bloodlust is frightening. First, raw seal heart. Now, a baby's foreskin. What's next? Michael Ignatieff's brain?" said Deb Matthews, Ontario's Minister of Children and Youth Services.

Secretary to the Governor General Sheila-Marie Cook strongly rebuked criticisms leveled at Jean, saying: "The eating of baby foreskin has gone on for ages in a culture vastly older than ours. It is a beautiful and sacred tradition that the Governor General was proud to have honoured."

"The Governor General is not turning into Hannibal Lecter. Everyone just needs to calm down," said Cook.

Earlier this week, Jean was roundly criticized by animal rights activists after she was photographed in public partaking in the consumption of a slain seal's raw heart. Canadian Inuit leaders praised Jean's gesture, saying it sends a strong message to the world about the traditional "country food" that Inuit rely on.

Jean's next scheduled public appearance is at a winery opening in Montérégie, Quebec, where she is expected to engage in normal alimentation and libation.

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One flew over lower Manhattan

Washington, DC -- US President Barack Obama today ordered the creation of a special White House office that would plan, execute and manage photo ops digitally using popular image editing software Adobe Photoshop.

Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said the White House Strategic Office for Photoshopped Photo Ops (WhiHSOFPPO) will “ensure that all photo opportunities which can be Photoshopped will be Photoshopped.” Gibbs will function temporarily as head of the new office until a suitable candidate has been found.

“Not only does this move demonstrate President Obama’s 100% commitment to safety and technology,” Gibbs stressed. “But this will also encourage creativity, innovation, and frugality in the Obama White House”.

The WhiHSOFPPO (pronounced wee soft pow) is the culmination of sweeping changes in White House policy brought about by the embarrassing Air Force One photo op blunder which recently caused widespread panic in downtown Manhattan, New York.

The monstrous blue and white Boeing 747, escorted by two F-16 jets, circled lower Manhattan so photographers could take pictures of it with the Statue of Liberty in the background. The spectacle brought back memories of 9/11 and sent thousands fleeing for cover, and in some cases, to spontaneous defecation.

“What was I supposed to think?” said outraged Texas tourist Jim Pickle while showing reporters his soiled underpants. “I’m standing in the Statue of Liberty and there’s this plane with socialist Obama headed right towards us!”

Others on Pickle's tour had similar reactions and were rethinking the rest of their New York holiday.

Capitol Hill Republicans have attacked the photo op on financial grounds, estimating that the government needlessly wasted $329,000 on the flight. “The Bush White House was able to create much more fear for a much lower cost,” argued Arizona Senator John McCain.

The White House has since clarified that President Obama himself was not on the flight, and offered profuse apologies to consternated citizens.

Secretary Gibbs assured Americans that the error in judgment will not happen again with the WhiHSOFPPO taking charge.

“We are taking this matter very seriously,” Gibbs said to the White House press corps before displaying samples of photographic work the new executive arm had already produced – glossy photos of President Obama witnessing the signing of the Declaration of Independence and another of him saving America from what looks to be a giant sea monster.

“Just have a look at these and tell me they’re not real. I bet you can’t tell the difference,” he added.

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