A protester kicks a police car

Toronto, ON -- Hundreds of Canadians bored with their dreary lives got a massive shot of adrenaline and excitement by deliberately getting themselves tangled in rallies aimed at destabilizing the G-20 Summit on Financial Markets and the World Economy held at the Metro Toronto Convention Centre over the weekend.

"I saw a police car burning up," said Jonny Marwood, 17. "That was wicked cool, man."

Marwood was referring to a string of incidents that occurred Friday as world leaders were arriving for the Summit. Protesters frustrated by the tight security surrounding the event decided to unleash their anger at businesses in the city's downtown core. Dozens of establishments, mostly banks and Starbucks coffee shops, were vandalized and looted, and several police cars were smashed and set on fire. The incidents quickly drew throngs of curious onlookers.

"As soon as I saw the riots on TV, I got down there fast as I can to get in on the action," said Regis McRae, 35. "It's either that, or afternoon Scrabble with Grandpa. It was a no-brainer for me."

For some, the rallies offered opportunities for instant YouTube fame.

"I wanted to do something crazy and put it on YouTube," said Graeme Covind, 16. "So me and my friend brought a video camera, and he filmed me kicking a mailbox." Covind said his G20 protest clip has already garnered thousands of views.

Unfortunately for some thrill seekers, rubbernecking at the protest rallies resulted in temporary detention, and in some worse cases, criminal charges. Imelda Scranton, 28, was part of a crowd of onlookers that got corraled in with hardcore protesters attempting one final act of defiance Sunday night near the city's Chinatown district. Police in full riot gear circled the group and held them immobilized for hours in the pouring rain.

Scranton, a part-time worker at a bowling alley, said she doesn't regret being in the wrong place at the wrong time. "It's definitely one of those experiences that you get to embellish and tell people about," she says. "It gives your life some sort of meaning and relevance. I can't wait to tell my grand kids about that night I got beat up by cops in the middle of a hurricane."

In a press conference Monday, Toronto police chief Bill Blair said he found it "regrettable that some innocent bystanders got caught in with the bad seeds."

"It wouldn't have come to this if people just stayed home instead of coming out to these things like it's Disneyland or something. You could have watched the protests on TV," Blair added.

The G20 Summit itself, which ended with a promise from all participating world leaders to cut their deficits in half by 2013, was largely ignored by the media for the most part. For instance, during the Summit's closing ceremony, CNN was running a story on Lady Gaga's bus driver instead.

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Cruise passenger: "I'm suing Netanyahu"

Jerusalem -- Israel's tattered international image took another hit Tuesday after it dispatched heavily armed commandos to a marine vessel sailing too close to the Gaza Strip that turned out to be a cruise ship for seniors.

The early morning raid on the SS Gilded Lily startled sleeping passengers and caused cardiac dysrhythmia in dozens of seniors, but no one suffered any life-threatening condition, according to the ship's medical crew.

Cruise passenger Edna Stilliwack, 78, condemned the raid and vowed to "sue the pants off Benjamin Netanyahu" for putting her through the horrible experience.

"I thought we were being raided by brown pirates, and that I was going to be raped and then killed," said Stilliwack.

Eyewitness reports said the raiding commandos immediately disembarked from the ship after speaking with the navigation crew and redirecting the vessel's course away from Gaza.

The Israeli Navy shortly thereafter posted a notice on its website apologizing for the intrusion and wished everyone on board the SS Gilded Lily "a safe, happy vacation away from Gaza." Commander in chief Eli Marom said he has made arrangements for each vacationer on board the ship to receive a conciliatory gift package, which includes Metamucil products, Sun-Maid prunes and Depend adult diapers.

Israeli Foreign Affairs Minister Avigdor Lieberman praised the bloodless interception of the seniors cruise ship and implored the international community to reassess its opinion of Israel as a heartless aggressor.

"This incident clearly demonstrates our capacity for logic, reason, and compassion, and it is my hope that leaders of other nations will see this," said Lieberman. "We are not a violent nation."

Israel is still on damage control after its deadly raid on a flotilla attempting to deliver humanitarian aid to Palestinians in the Gaza Strip. International condemnation was swift and harsh as the Israeli government scrambled to explain how what was meant to be a simple takeover of a civilian vessel went so badly awry.

As of press time, it is not known whether or not the Israeli government will send conciliatory gift packages to the humanitarian activists who were part of the flotilla.

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кухни

Long Mao Chiao: Optimistic

Beijing, China -- The Chinese production of the long-running worldwide hit comedy show "The Puppetry Of The Penis" has been canceled after only four performances.

China Construction Bank Corp. (CCBC), the production's chief underwriter, pulled the plug on funding after profit projections fell far short of expectations. Since its opening last week, the show had only averaged a paltry 1,700 yuan ($249 USD) per performance. The producers had hoped to rake in at least 500,000 yuan ($73,000 USD) per night.

"It is quite disappointing, but I suppose we should take this as a sign that the Chinese people are not ready for cock just yet. At least not Chinese cock anyway," said entrepreneur Li Kwang Ho, who brought the show to Beijing after seeing it 57 times in Australia and the United States of America.

Being roundly slammed by media critics across the board did not help the show either. The Beijing Ribao daily newspaper called the production "embarrasingly flaccid and thin on substance", while the Xinhua News Agency declared that "there's nothing to see here, move along."

People who have endured the show until curtain call have taken to the Internet with their own reviews. Some reports say that many audience members walked out within the first ten minutes of the show.

"As soon as the two stars, Long Mao Chiao and Kang Li Peng, disrobe, the excitement breaks for many people and they just leave," said blogger Chin-Mo Kuo, 25. "It is disheartening and sad. I feel for those two actors. They must feel terrible."

Xiaowao Kao, 27, believes that the show probably would have been more successful had they chosen actors more suitably equipped for the type of showmanship it demands.

"Let's be honest, the show thrives on penis tricks, and there just wasn't enough in this one. I mean, the best trick they could muster was the Mandarin Buffett Chicken Ball," said Kao.

Despite the career setback, Chiao, 44, remains optimistic. The actor said he is actively pursuing a part in the Chinese shadow play adaptation of John Carpenter's "Big Trouble In Little China."

"It's not as high profile as 'Puppetry' but it's still a decent job," Chiao said. "Like some wise man said, 'There are no small parts, only small actors.'"

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Mai Lin: "no rice" does not compute

Hong Kong -- Chaos and disorder gripped a typically efficiently-run Chinese fast food restaurant in Hong Kong's bustling Causeway Bay area Friday after a man asked for "no rice" with his Kung Pao chicken.

43-year-old British tourist Peter Johnston, who is on a strict "low carb" Atkins diet, made the unusual request while ordering a quick lunch at the Empire Bowl. The restaurant's well-known rapid-fire order and fulfillment system effectively ground to a halt after server Mai Lin, 57, was unable to make sense of Johnston's instruction.

"All I ever wanted was a meal with no rice on it, and the lady just stood there like a deer in the headlights, unable to process the information," said Johnston. "It was most bizarre, really."

The impasse at the ordering line lasted nearly five minutes before restaurant manager Xiaogong Han intervened and relieved Lin of her duty, quelling a mounting unrest among regular patrons waiting to be served.

"Mai has been working at the Empire Bowl for nearly 15 years and not once during that time did anyone ask her to hold the rice," an apologetic Han told patrons. "Please forgive her. She is very routine-oriented. The rice always has to go somewhere, in her mind. She is set in her rice-serving ways."

As a gesture of good will, Han gave away free spring rolls to everyone waiting in line and promised to train Lin to be better at adapting to changing circumstances.

"She is one of our best employees, the only one in fact who could assemble a meal in less than 3 seconds," said Han. "I'm not going to give up on her."

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Single Ladies pose: Kin didn't like it and wants $20 million USD for it

Titisee-Neustadt, Germany -- The family of a man who donated his body for use in the "Body Worlds" traveling exhibition of real human bodies is suing the organizers for posing his cadaver in a move from Beyoncé Knowles's "Single Ladies" video.

In a lawsuit filed with the Tübingen district court in the state of Baden-Württemberg, plaintiff Laura Scherlinger claims that defendants Dr. Gunther von Hagens and the Institute for Plastination willfully disregarded the wishes of her late uncle, Andreas Loch, and proceeded to defame his character post mortem by placing his plastinated body in a "suggestively gay pose."

"If my uncle was buried in the ground, he'd be rolling in his grave right now," said Scherlinger, 34, referring to "The Dance Of Life," the exhibit featuring Loch's body, which opened in Linz, Austria in November last year. "He was a skilled ballroom dancer in his life and wanted to be remembered as such in death. This is an abomination of his legacy."

Scherlinger stressed that she does not have anything against Ms. Knowles or the gay community, saying: "This is simply a matter of honouring the wishes of a departed loved one."

Loch died in 2006 at age 52 due to acute tetrodotoxin poisoning from an incorrectly prepared fugu, or pufferfish. Loch had seen the first Body Worlds exhibit in Tokyo in 1995 and donated his body for plastination two years later. In his last will, the former senior bank executive had bequeathed 100,000 euros ($136,000 USD) to the Institute for Plastination with the hope that his body will be used in a manner that would honour his life and legacy. His body was prepared for plastination 11 months after his death.

"We were excited to attend the opening of The Dance Of Life," said Scherlinger. "But that was quickly doused when we saw what they did to Uncle Andy."

Lawyers representing Dr. von Hagens and the IFP are dismissing the plaintiff's claims as "ludicrous and absolutely rooted in frivolity." According to chief legal counsel Fredrik Fligge, all the procedural protocols were followed in the treatment of Loch's cadaver.

"IFP always treats its donors with utmost respect and it was no different with Mr. Loch," added Fligge. When asked whether or not the "Body Worlds" organizers intentionally placed Mr. Loch in a "Single Ladies" dance move similar to the one shown in the picture above, Mr. Fligge refused to respond directly, saying: "The exhibit which features Mr. Loch is all about the power and influence of dance, and his display has been crafted with careful thought and much reverence."

Scherlinger is seeking punitive damages of up to 15 million euros (roughly $20 million USD) for "familial distress and erosion of dignity." Preliminary hearings to decide whether or not the case can go to trial are set to be heard in late May.

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