New Eminem single sets download record, nation yawns

Eminem

Eminem: Thug Lite?

Manhattan, NY — “Crack A Bottle,” the new single by Eminem, Dr. Dre and 50 Cent this week soared to the top of the Billboard Hot 100 Chart and set a new Nielsen SoundScan record for opening week download sales (418,000), but the nation at large is blithely unconcerned.

In a nationwide telephone survey conducted by the Brooklyn-based Holcombe Institute of Public Opinion Measurement (HIPOM), respondents expressed general nonchalance toward the rap troika and their seemingly impressive achievement. An overwhelming 91% of those polled said they didn’t know about the new single. 80% said they really don’t care.

“Eminem is still putting out music? That’s crazy shit, man. I used to listen to him back in high school,” said one respondent, Levon Deshaw, 23. “I don’t think anyone cares about him or 50 Cent anymore. It’s all about T.I. and Lil’ Wayne now. For real.”

Another respondent expressed disbelief that the single sold that many copies.

“I don’t know who bought that shit, but it sure ain’t me or my homies,” said self-proclaimed Los Angeles street thug Jozell “Jack Knife” Barton. “We can’t listen to someone who dumps their wife and then marries her again, like, four times. Or says they hate gays, and then goes and kisses Elton John. That’s not thug.”

Eminem’s manager Paul Rosenberg downplayed the results of the informal survey, calling it a “load of bull and then some.”

“People love angry white boys who can rap,” said Rosenberg. “You just wait and see. Shady’s gonna make them shake in their seats again with his shenanigans.”

In response to Rosenberg’s comments, HIPOM spokesperson Leila Samson said: “It would seem that Mr. Rosenberg and his team are out of touch with reality, because according to our research, the American people couldn’t care less about Eminem anymore.”

The rapper’s new album, Relapse, is expected to hit record stores in April or May.

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