‘Drippy’ Elvis blamed in child’s eye infection


If you tolerate this, your children will be next.

St. Louis, MO — A casual partaking of Gay Pride festivities has turned sour for a family after its youngest member contracted gonococcal conjunctivitis, presumably from one of the Parade participants.

Reginald Dampwood, 46, said his youngest son Dart, 2, started showing symptoms of the eye infection after they got home from watching the parade on Sunday. “There’s no other place he could have contracted the infection. It’s got to be at the Parade,” Dampwood said.

The father of five believes his son got the infection from a naked Elvis Presley impersonator who stopped in front of them to take photographs with other parade watchers.

“His penis was particularly drippy, so I made sure none of my kids went near him, just to be safe,” said Dampwood. “But it was pretty windy that day, and it’s possible the wind blew some of that discharge into my kid’s eyes. Who knows?”

Dampwood said he takes his family to see the parade every year, but now has second thoughts about it. “I like to expose my family to diversity as much as I can, but their health always comes first,” he added.

The family has no plans to file charges.

“We’re good. Dart has gotten some antibiotics and the infection should be clearing up in no time,” Dampwood said. “I just hope that drippy Elvis gets checked out real’ soon or there might be other cases like Dart’s out there.”

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