Orlando Bloom recently went paddle-boarding while on vacation somewhere with his current main squeeze Katy Perry. Nothing out of the ordinary, you might say, except that he totally went and did it naked. Naturally, those dastardly paparazzi happened to be around to snap some scandalous photographs of Lando’s third leg hanging out in its full delicious glory.
The pictures initially appeared as censored on the usual news channels, but the uncensored versions quickly made their way online and they absolutely broke the Internet — thrilling, titillating, delighting and thoroughly quenching the thirsty gays and ladies alike.
First of all, let me just say to the people responsible for leaking the juicy photos…
I am grateful that Orlando unabashedly let it all hang out for all the world to see because I’ve always wondered what Legolas was hiding underneath his Middle Earth tunic, and now I know. But more importantly, Lando’s bold au naturel action has reminded me of the unfortunate reality that we still have a long way to go when it comes to gender equality.
Indeed, the public’s reaction to Mr. Bloom’s pervasive penis has once again shown the distressingly lopsided standards that we as a society apply to men and women. When a man like Orlando Bloom parades himself naked in public, we gush, and cheer and offer high-fives. Sure, there were some jokes cracked in some quarters but they were harmless joshing. There was no demonizing. No shaming. Nobody called Orlando a whore, or a slut.
On the other hand, when a woman heaven forbid does the exact same thing, she is subjected to salacious slut-shaming and body-shaming, and is called every derogatory name in the book.
No one knows this better than Madonna, a woman who has been unafraid right out of the gate to seize control of her image and sexuality and use them however she pleases. She has been catching flak for it non-stop since her arrival at mainstream pop culture in the 1980s. These days, she’s still fearlessly expressing her sexuality, and has been enduring even worse personal attacks because of her age.
In the social media era, we have women like Kim Kardashian and Miley Cyrus openly embracing nudity and flaunting their bodies on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram, and getting roundly reviled for doing so.
How primitive is that? How can we be at a point in modern history where a female is positioned to become elected (possibly) as Leader of the Free World, and yet we still behave like that toward women? It’s not cool, and we need to start changing our way of thinking. We need to unlearn the chauvinistic tendencies that our patriarchal society has programmed into us and start leveling the field for men and women in all areas. Whatever a man can say or do, a woman should be allowed to say or do without fear of repercussion. Simple as that.
I know it’s easier said than done, but here’s hoping that Orlando’s selfless act of self-exposure will finally tip the scales.
Finally, for those who arrived at this page looking for “Orlando Bloom’s enormous penis” (that’s probably what you Googled for, right?), what you’re looking for is waiting for you behind the arrows below. Be warned, these photos are not safe for viewing at work (unless you work at a strip club) or around children, or at Church. Now go on, quench!!!