Beyoncé: Bad title is not irreplaceable

Beyoncé's forthcoming new album, 4, will be officially sold as Noodle in China, Japan and Korea.

The title change was decided after a conclusive market research conducted by Columbia Records showed that people in the above mentioned markets will most likely avoid buying the album with its original title because the number "4" is generally considered unlucky.

Columbia Records head honcho Rob Stringer said the title change "shows Beyoncé's and the company's deepest respect for our Asian demographic."

"Beyoncé was involved in this decision every step of the way," Stringer said. "She's very hands-on, and cares a lot about her Asian fans."

When asked how they came up with the album's replacement title, Stringer explained they wanted "something that Asian people can easily relate to."

"It was either 'Rice' or 'Noodle,'" Stringer said. "Beyoncé decided on the latter because she loves them ramen noodles."

Stringer added the title change will not impact the album's release date in those markets.

Long Mao Chiao: Optimistic

Beijing, China -- The Chinese production of the long-running worldwide hit comedy show "The Puppetry Of The Penis" has been canceled after only four performances.

China Construction Bank Corp. (CCBC), the production's chief underwriter, pulled the plug on funding after profit projections fell far short of expectations. Since its opening last week, the show had only averaged a paltry 1,700 yuan ($249 USD) per performance. The producers had hoped to rake in at least 500,000 yuan ($73,000 USD) per night.

"It is quite disappointing, but I suppose we should take this as a sign that the Chinese people are not ready for cock just yet. At least not Chinese cock anyway," said entrepreneur Li Kwang Ho, who brought the show to Beijing after seeing it 57 times in Australia and the United States of America.

Being roundly slammed by media critics across the board did not help the show either. The Beijing Ribao daily newspaper called the production "embarrasingly flaccid and thin on substance", while the Xinhua News Agency declared that "there's nothing to see here, move along."

People who have endured the show until curtain call have taken to the Internet with their own reviews. Some reports say that many audience members walked out within the first ten minutes of the show.

"As soon as the two stars, Long Mao Chiao and Kang Li Peng, disrobe, the excitement breaks for many people and they just leave," said blogger Chin-Mo Kuo, 25. "It is disheartening and sad. I feel for those two actors. They must feel terrible."

Xiaowao Kao, 27, believes that the show probably would have been more successful had they chosen actors more suitably equipped for the type of showmanship it demands.

"Let's be honest, the show thrives on penis tricks, and there just wasn't enough in this one. I mean, the best trick they could muster was the Mandarin Buffett Chicken Ball," said Kao.

Despite the career setback, Chiao, 44, remains optimistic. The actor said he is actively pursuing a part in the Chinese shadow play adaptation of John Carpenter's "Big Trouble In Little China."

"It's not as high profile as 'Puppetry' but it's still a decent job," Chiao said. "Like some wise man said, 'There are no small parts, only small actors.'"