Lady Gaga fan: Totally thrilled

San Francisco, CA -- Contrary to what has been reported in the media, Lady Gaga's gay and lesbian fans are "absolutely thrilled" by her decision to align with the conservative-leaning Target Corp. for exclusive distribution rights to a deluxe edition of her new album, Born This Way.

In a statement to the press, the San Francisco chapter of the Gays United for Love, Liberation, Life & Equality (GULLIBLE) shot down suggestions that the gay and lesbian population of the United States of America is up in arms over Lady Gaga's partnership with a corporation that has knowingly donated hundreds of thousands of dollars of reported money and possibly many millions more in unreported cash to American political groups with decidedly anti-gay agendas.

"That's just, like, so wrong and everything. We totally love this deal! Like, we get bonus tracks and remixes and stuff," said chapter president Bernard Munster, 18, while posting "Like, Born This Way is so wicked awesome!" to his Twitter account for the 67th time.

Munster stressed that Lady Gaga, more than any other artist in the history of music, truly cares about gay people, saying that "if she didn't, why the hell would she write a gay anthem for us to dance to?"

The first year Academy of Art University Fine Arts student and part-time Starbucks barista stared quizzically into the air when asked how he felt about the fact that by supporting an artist that works with people who support anti-gay ideals, he is perpetuating discrimination against homosexuals.

"Like, whatever," said Munster after a few minutes of doe-eyed silence. "Everyone needs to chill and just dance, mmmkay?"

Hilarious! Oh, and how ADORABLE are those teen chickens that just hatched from gay eggs?

Single Ladies pose: Kin didn't like it and wants $20 million USD for it

Titisee-Neustadt, Germany -- The family of a man who donated his body for use in the "Body Worlds" traveling exhibition of real human bodies is suing the organizers for posing his cadaver in a move from Beyoncé Knowles's "Single Ladies" video.

In a lawsuit filed with the Tübingen district court in the state of Baden-Württemberg, plaintiff Laura Scherlinger claims that defendants Dr. Gunther von Hagens and the Institute for Plastination willfully disregarded the wishes of her late uncle, Andreas Loch, and proceeded to defame his character post mortem by placing his plastinated body in a "suggestively gay pose."

"If my uncle was buried in the ground, he'd be rolling in his grave right now," said Scherlinger, 34, referring to "The Dance Of Life," the exhibit featuring Loch's body, which opened in Linz, Austria in November last year. "He was a skilled ballroom dancer in his life and wanted to be remembered as such in death. This is an abomination of his legacy."

Scherlinger stressed that she does not have anything against Ms. Knowles or the gay community, saying: "This is simply a matter of honouring the wishes of a departed loved one."

Loch died in 2006 at age 52 due to acute tetrodotoxin poisoning from an incorrectly prepared fugu, or pufferfish. Loch had seen the first Body Worlds exhibit in Tokyo in 1995 and donated his body for plastination two years later. In his last will, the former senior bank executive had bequeathed 100,000 euros ($136,000 USD) to the Institute for Plastination with the hope that his body will be used in a manner that would honour his life and legacy. His body was prepared for plastination 11 months after his death.

"We were excited to attend the opening of The Dance Of Life," said Scherlinger. "But that was quickly doused when we saw what they did to Uncle Andy."

Lawyers representing Dr. von Hagens and the IFP are dismissing the plaintiff's claims as "ludicrous and absolutely rooted in frivolity." According to chief legal counsel Fredrik Fligge, all the procedural protocols were followed in the treatment of Loch's cadaver.

"IFP always treats its donors with utmost respect and it was no different with Mr. Loch," added Fligge. When asked whether or not the "Body Worlds" organizers intentionally placed Mr. Loch in a "Single Ladies" dance move similar to the one shown in the picture above, Mr. Fligge refused to respond directly, saying: "The exhibit which features Mr. Loch is all about the power and influence of dance, and his display has been crafted with careful thought and much reverence."

Scherlinger is seeking punitive damages of up to 15 million euros (roughly $20 million USD) for "familial distress and erosion of dignity." Preliminary hearings to decide whether or not the case can go to trial are set to be heard in late May.

Ghirardelli: Not gaga at all

West Hollywood, CA -- Much to the shock and dismay of his friends and the immediate gay community, West Hollywood, California resident and proud homosexual Luca Ghirardelli has revealed that he is unable to appreciate the gay-geared musical and fashion stylings of Lady Gaga.

"I don't know. There's just something so fake and plastic about her, which is strange, because, like, I totally adore Britney and Beyonce," Ghirardelli said before bursting into classy, subdued gay chuckles.

The 22-year-old upscale fashion retail worker added that his inexplicable dislike of the "Poker Face" singer may also be due to the fact that she eerily reminds him of a particularly unlikeable uncle. "I swear to God, she looks just like my Uncle Vito, who is a nasty, dog-faced, insufferable bastard. I hate him," Ghirardelli said.

Ghirardelli said he did give Lady Gaga a shot for the sake of a two-week-old relationship with "a somewhat special boy."

"I thought I was in love with this boy, so I said to myself, 'Fine, I'll give her a shot,'" said Ghirardelli. "So I listened to the Fame Monster nonstop for like two days, and at the end of it, I was underwhelmed. She's just so overrated. Like, totally. Needless to say, I never called the boy again."

When his close friends intimated that his Lady Gaga hatred might be a symptom of self-directed, internalized homophobia, Ghirardelli vehemently protested, "I'm proud of my sexuality. I just can't stand the heffa."

With Lady Gaga being ubiquitous in gay dance clubs everywhere, Ghirardelli has been finding it hard to have a fun night out without it being sullied by repeated spins of "Bad Romance," "Poker Face," "Lovegame" and "Just Dance."

"I'd get my groove going with some fierce Britney or Beyonce mix, and then suddenly I'd hear the annoying twat's song," said Ghirardelli. "Makes me wanna slap a bitch, I swear to God."

Lady Gaga's "Monster Ball Tour" is making a stop in San Francisco for two nights this week. Expectedly, Ghirardelli couldn't care less.

"I've got a date with my TiVo all week," Ghirardelli remarked. "I need to catch up on Glee and Dexter."