Lady Gaga: Weird teen killer?

Cape May, NJ -- The parents of a teenager who suffocated to death after copying Lady Gaga's egg incubation stunt are considering a lawsuit against the singer for involuntary manslaughter.

Chance Coleman, 14, died after the air-tight storage chest in which he placed himself accidentally locked up. The teen hadn't been seen or heard from since Thursday when he posted an update on his Facebook account telling all his friends that he was "off to incubate for three days like Gaga."

The teen was referring to the "Poker Face" singer's appearance on the Good Morning America show in which she claimed that she stayed inside a giant egg for three days, and the experience she had convinced her that "we all need to be inside a vessel for a three whole days." The pop singer was responding to a question about the specially-crafted contraption from which she emerged during last Sunday's Grammy Awards ceremony.

"Chance copies Gaga all the time, so I didn't think much of it when he announced his plan," said 15-year-old Jonas DiMateo, the teen's best friend. "I mean, he once braided his hair with used condoms and showed up at school wearing his dad's hockey tape as a shirt."

Coleman's lifeless body was discovered after friends showed up at his house the next day, wondering how his incubation went. His parents, Jim and Louise Coleman, had assumed he was out hanging out with his friends.

Cape May City Police Sgt. Dorotea DiMecci, who responded to the 911 call, said it's a sad day when the life of a young individual is cut so short, simply because of the "sheer stupidity of some people."

"Lady Gaga should know better than to spout off remarks like what she said on TV," said DiMecci. "She has some very impressionable fans."

Jim and Louise Coleman said that as soon as they put the tragic event behind them, they will "seriously consider legal action."

"If we didn't have Lady Gaga going on TV in an egg, our son would still be with us today," said the distraught couple. "To many people, Lady Gaga may be a pop idol, but to us, she is and will always be nothing but a weird teen killer."

Miller: Longing for a love that dared not

Sioux Falls, SOUTH DAKOTA -- As Stanley Miller celebrates his 94th birthday surrounded by family and friends, there is only one thing that he wishes for more than continued good health in his advanced years.

"I really would like to see Edgar Thompson again," says the sprightly father, grandfather and great-grandfather. "And maybe kiss him on the lips and put my hand in his pants."

Thompson was Miller's childhood friend, several years his senior, for whom he had lusted in silence over many years. The two grew up together in Sioux Falls during a time when homosexuality was considered by many to be an abomination and a sin. Miller said he was ashamed of what he felt, and distracted himself with school, haberdashery and philately.

When Thompson's family moved to California in 1929, Miller had just turned 13. It was a time that Miller recalls with much agony and pain.

"I really wanted to tell him how I felt, but my fears took over me," says Miller. "I hadn't heard from or seen him since then."

Heartbroken, Miller buried himself in stamps and buttons, and became addicted to candy apples and fried bananas. When he turned 18, he moved out of his parents' house and started his own haberdashery business where he ended up meeting his wife Edna. The two got married in 1938 and soon welcomed a son they named Edgar Thomas. The couple had four more children. Edna died while giving birth to their youngest, Dolores, in 1944. Miller has not remarried since, and instead threw himself into raising his children while keeping his business afloat.

"My children and the business were really just an excuse. I really didn't want anyone else. I wanted Edgar Thompson," he says.

Over the years, Miller had tried unsuccessfully to locate his childhood hero and crush. With each passing year, the chances of their reunion grow dimmer, but Miller remains hopeful.

"I know he's still out there somewhere. I can feel him in my heartbeat, and for as long as there is a breath in my body, I will look for him," says the spunky nonagenarian. "I still believe that one sweet day Edgar Thompson and I will meet again, and we can both sit down and be gay together, maybe listen to Liberace and watch Cary Grant movies."

Edgar Miller says he fully supports his father, and no matter what happens, he and the rest of the family will stand by him.

"He's given up so much and got so little in return," says the younger Miller. "He's in the twilight of his years. He deserves to be happy."

Ghirardelli: Not gaga at all

West Hollywood, CA -- Much to the shock and dismay of his friends and the immediate gay community, West Hollywood, California resident and proud homosexual Luca Ghirardelli has revealed that he is unable to appreciate the gay-geared musical and fashion stylings of Lady Gaga.

"I don't know. There's just something so fake and plastic about her, which is strange, because, like, I totally adore Britney and Beyonce," Ghirardelli said before bursting into classy, subdued gay chuckles.

The 22-year-old upscale fashion retail worker added that his inexplicable dislike of the "Poker Face" singer may also be due to the fact that she eerily reminds him of a particularly unlikeable uncle. "I swear to God, she looks just like my Uncle Vito, who is a nasty, dog-faced, insufferable bastard. I hate him," Ghirardelli said.

Ghirardelli said he did give Lady Gaga a shot for the sake of a two-week-old relationship with "a somewhat special boy."

"I thought I was in love with this boy, so I said to myself, 'Fine, I'll give her a shot,'" said Ghirardelli. "So I listened to the Fame Monster nonstop for like two days, and at the end of it, I was underwhelmed. She's just so overrated. Like, totally. Needless to say, I never called the boy again."

When his close friends intimated that his Lady Gaga hatred might be a symptom of self-directed, internalized homophobia, Ghirardelli vehemently protested, "I'm proud of my sexuality. I just can't stand the heffa."

With Lady Gaga being ubiquitous in gay dance clubs everywhere, Ghirardelli has been finding it hard to have a fun night out without it being sullied by repeated spins of "Bad Romance," "Poker Face," "Lovegame" and "Just Dance."

"I'd get my groove going with some fierce Britney or Beyonce mix, and then suddenly I'd hear the annoying twat's song," said Ghirardelli. "Makes me wanna slap a bitch, I swear to God."

Lady Gaga's "Monster Ball Tour" is making a stop in San Francisco for two nights this week. Expectedly, Ghirardelli couldn't care less.

"I've got a date with my TiVo all week," Ghirardelli remarked. "I need to catch up on Glee and Dexter."

Oh snap!