Weiner: If you got it, flaunt it.

Queens, NY — The Association of Narcissistic Americans (ANAm) today threw their support behind embattled New York Congressman Anthony Weiner and encouraged him to "hang in there, keep your head up high, and stay strong."

In an official statement released to the press, ANAm President Rory Cummings sharply rebuked critics and pundits calling for Weiner's resignation in the wake of a disastrous sex scandal which revealed the feisty legislator engaging in inappropriate online conduct with various young women all over the United States.

"People who are dogging Mr. Weiner clearly have deep-seated personal issues regarding self-esteem," said Cummings, 45. "They see this well-groomed, beautifully-muscled, and amply-endowed person who is comfortably in touch with himself, and they just want to bring him down because of that."

"Everyone makes mistakes, even beautiful people with desirable sexual organs."

Cummings acknowledged that it was wrong of Weiner to lie about sending a sexually explicit photograph of his "huge erect penis" to a female follower on social networking site Twitter.

"The first thought that went through my head is 'Why lie about something that is a part of you that so many people wished they had?' It's unfathomable," said Cummings. "But it's okay, everyone makes mistakes, even beautiful people with desirable sexual organs."

The 45-year-old Brooklyn real estate agent with frosted blonde highlights urged members of the U.S. Congress to "stop pressuring Weiner about his sex life, and start worrying about the real issues that matter to Americans."

"Let's get real. We have a ballooning national debt, wars we can't afford, a messed-up health care system, and we're stressing over Weiner's sexual proclivities? Come on," Cummings quipped. "At least you didn't get someone like Barney Frank tweeting pictures of his naked self to everyone.

"Now THAT would be a national tragedy," said Cummings of the unsavory image.

Hilarious!

Reznor: people are so mean

Los Angeles, CA -- Nine Inch Nails front man Trent Reznor has quit Twitter for the 97th time.

The temperamental rock star, who turned 45 Monday, deleted his account following a tempestuous tweeting exchange with an overly critical follower who pointed out his "relative puffiness" and insinuated he had gone to a Botox clinic and should ask for his money back.

The industrial music pioneer took to his website shortly thereafter to denounce the "vile meanness of humanity."

"I am done with this childish shit," said Reznor. "Twitter is for soulless heathens."

A spokesperson for TwitterQuitters.biz, the Burbank, California upstart that tracks Twitter's quitting patterns, said it is technically the 96th time Reznor has voluntarily scrapped his Twitter account.

"He accidentally deleted his Twitter on May 2nd, which our trackers count as No. 96," said Bobby Plummer.

According to Plummer, Reznor is by and large the person who has lodged the most number of Twitter account closures. He also tops the list of account re-activations.

Unsurprisingly, Reznor gingerly returned to the social networking site after chatting with close friends over chocolate ice cream and apple pie. Last year, the singer caused a stir when he unceremoniously deleted his Twitter account for the first time after an unsavoury experience with rude fans.

Binningham: Pre-Twitter, happier

Cockintake, Staffordshire, UK -- A Staffordshire woman is in hospital after suffering a nervous breakdown brought on by people removing her from their follow lists on popular social networking site Twitter.

Linda Binningham, 38, was admitted to Cannock Chase Hospital last night and is presently under a suicide watch. She was found unconscious and frothing at the mouth, next to her laptop and an empty bottle of menstrual pain relief pills.

Binningham's husband, Martin Browstock, also 38, said his wife became "rather obsessed" with Twitter in the past few months, during which she racked up over a thousand followers. "I don't know how she found all those people," he marveled.

Browstock didn't think much of his wife's newfound online hobby until recently, when Binningham started displaying moody behaviour and would stay up all night reading everyone's Twitter updates. There were days when she was too tired and sleepy to go to work.

"All she could talk about lately was how she was losing followers on Twitter, and how those people were being mean to her," said Browstock. "That should've been my alarm call."

Doctors are expecting Binningham to make a full recovery from her drug overdose, and will likely recommend a commitment to an asylum where she can be monitored, weaned off of Twitter and eventually rehabilitated using electroconvulsive therapy.

"The only way for her to unlearn this obsession with Twitter is by sending bolts of electricity through her brain every time she sees a blue bird. It will be a slow process, but we are confident she will emerge victorious and clean," said Dr. Barry Mandrake, Binningham's attending physician.