The Bent Spud Awards For Outstanding Shady Achievements In The Field Of Everything
The 3rd Annual Fishies Winners
Presented on April 1, 2018
At the Parkland Commons Publix on N University Dr. in Parkland, FL
Flop Single Of The Year
Lady Gaga tried to remedy her deteriorating pop career by rush-releasing yet another half-baked single that sounded like a Justin Bieber reject. Naturally the song flopped upon arrival, barely making any dent on the charts. It was soon forgotten by everyone. Sorry for reminding y’all about it.
Flop Album Of The Year
Formerly reliable hit maker Katy Perry’s fifth studio album appeared to be headed to a pop catastrophe from early indications, but she soldiered on, intent and hell-bent on making sure that doesn’t happen. She threw everything short of the kitchen sink at the project, even broadcasting her life Big Brother style for a weekend to get people’s attention. While it did manage to debut on top of Billboard’s 200 Album Chart, it quickly slid down the chart.
Flop Tour Of The Year
Joanne World Tour
Despite having a flop album (Joanne) that performed even worse commercially than her last one (ARTPOP), Lady Gaga defied common sense and embarked on a world tour anyway. As predicted, she was performing to half-empty places. She ultimately would end up canceling a significant number of dates on the tour because it simply made no financial sense to keep going when no one is really interested in seeing her perform anymore.
Most Exasperating Record Of The Year
Shape Of You
It is unfathomable that in the age of the #MeToo movement, a song like the lead single from Sheeran’s third studio album would get gobbled up hook, line and sinker by everyone. Set aside the fact the song literally objectifies the woman Sheeran is obsessed with, the song is derivative, banal and utterly uninspired.
Most Overrated Album Of The Year
For his third studio album, perennial rehasher of the past and Asian lesbian Bruno Mars ransacked the 90s and produced an album chock full of New Jack Swing tripe. Predictably, everyone thought it was the best thing since canned tuna.
I Am… Beyoncé Wannabe Of The Year
Someone convinced Camila Cabello that she was better than the rest of Fifth Harmony and so she left the group at the end of 2016. Cabello spent 2017 trying all tricks to get her solo career off the ground, releasing one flop single after another. Things finally turned around after a focus group told her she’d have more success if she adopted a Latin-based sound, and naturally she did.
Cosplayer Of The Year
Gal Gadot Wonder Woman
Miss Gadot certainly looked the part wearing the Wonder Woman costume, but girl was stiffer than a dude on his honeymoon night. Like, if she was any stiffer, pigeons would land on her and start pooping on her. Perhaps some acting lessons are in order?
Flop Movie Of The Year
DC is still playing catch-up to Marvel’s dominance at the movies, and their cause wasn’t helped by this messy superhero team-up movie that should have been a slam-dunk. Blame it on the weak writing, the underdeveloped villain and the paper thin plot.
Most Overrated Movie Of The Year
The highly anticipated first female-fronted superhero movie arrived to boffo box office numbers, but it’s difficult to gloss over the fact that it was actually just an underwhelming, bland product that was getting lifted up and celebrated for all the wrong reasons.
Most Disappointing Deterioration Of A Promising Show After Season 1
The dark, angsty take on Archie Comics captivated everyone’s attention and showed real promise when it debuted its first season, but the show jumped the shark by the time the second season arrived. The novelty has clearly worn off rather quickly, and the writers are struggling to make ridiculous plot lines work. Recommendation: cancel the show stat and reboot it in a couple of years with a new cast and new writers.
Most Believable Imitation Of A Frog Pretending To Jump Off The Roof Of A Football Stadium
Lady Gaga Super Bowl 51
While the Halftime Show she paid $5 million to perform at was itself execrably by-the-numbers, failed pop star Lady Gaga made everyone gasp when she appeared to jump off the roof of the NRG Stadium in Houston, Texas. As it turns out, like her entire career, that jump was faked. It was pre-recorded in front of a green screen and edited into the show to give the ‘perfect illusion’ that she was doing something death-defying.
Mortifying Mouthwash Moment presented by Listerine Mouthwash
Lady Gaga & Metallica 2017 Grammys
Another year, another opportunity for Lady Gaga to crowbar herself into performing at the Grammys. In 2017 the Crowbar Queen convinced Grammy organizers and Metallica that it would totally rock if she sang a song with them and showed everyone her “awesome” stripper dance moves. Well, they got precisely what they bargained for: a giant mess of a performance highlighted by this close-up moment when Gaga and James Hetfield had to share a microphone after she had her people turn off his, mid-performance.
Tampax Achievement Award for Flop Absorption
Tiffany & Co.
Ignoring all warnings about flop transference, the iconic American luxury jewelry and specialty retailer risked a lot by partnering with famed flop inducer Lady Gaga in a massive ad campaign for their new Tiffany HardWear collection. Notably, the company suffered a surprise comparable sales drop soon after, sending its shares tumbling down. Throughout the flopping, Tiffany & Co. took it all on the chin majestically.
Gatorade Achievement Award For Extreme Parchedness
The Golden Globe procurement specialist showed no signs of slowing down with her unquenchable thirst for relevance in 2017. She signed a new 5-year contract for a pretend relationship with talent agent Christian Carino. She crowbarred herself into Coachella after Beyoncé dropped out as a headliner. She worked the film festival circuit with her facsimile of Madonna’s “Truth Or Dare.” Girl couldn’t quench her thirst even if the Hoover Dam dropped on her.
Surrogate For Evil Of The Year
Sarah Huckabee Sanders
Sean Spicer was well on his way to capturing this coveted award but it was not to be as Ms. Sanders emerged from the dastardly shadows to become the White House’s official combative lying piece of shit.
Rodent Of The Year
The U.S. Attorney General became well-known for his staunch denial of claims he had been aware of interactions between the Trump campaign and Russian agents prior to the 2016 U.S. presidential election. This despite mounting evidence to the contrary, and the public humiliation that he has been constantly subjected to by the very person that he’s protecting. Now that’s a loyal rat!
Wuss Of The Year
Dotard J. Trump
There have been plenty of instances in 2017 where popular vote loser Dotard Trump could have confronted Russian strongman Vladimir Putin about the sinister role his henchmen played in the 2016 U.S. presidential election, but Trump demurred and instead projected an image of genuflection and complete subservience. Make America genuflect again!
Troll Of The Year
Dotard J. Trump
In 2017, Kremlin kowtower Dotard Trump proved that he is still the biggest troll of them all, with his unhinged and baseless Twitter tirades and general moronic tendencies.
Panderer Of The Year
The Poker Face singer clinched this prestigious award for the third year in a row after discovering fibromyalgia as yet another disease she could exploit, pandering to anyone gullible enough to believe she actually has it.
Dotard Of The Year presented by Depends Adult Diapers
Dotard J. Trump
In 2017 no other dotard captured everyone’s attention more than Dotard J. Trump did. Whether he’s insulting Muslims by retweeting debunked anti-Muslim propaganda, or patting neo-Nazis on the back and calling them “very fine people,” no other dotard has made us collectively roll our eyes and mutter obscenities under our breaths in disgust. Bless his heart.
Gaslighter Of The Year presented by Exxon
Dotard J. Trump
In his first full year in office, pathological liar and coronary thrombosis waitlister Dotard Trump was gaslighting like no one has ever gaslighted, recklessly spouting off demonstrably false facts and repainting the world in the image of his deluded lies. The scariest part is that 30% of Americans believe him.