Stinging from renewed criticism for helping put beer lover and firm “boys will be boys” believer Brett Kavanaugh on the U.S. Supreme Court, U.S. Senator Susan Collins (R-Maine) announced she will soon introduce a bill that would legalize the use of wire hangers to abort unwanted or life-threatening fetuses at home.

Big Arm, Montana — A Lake County man recently finished the second season of the HBO series “Westworld” after many months of contemplating whether or not “it’s worth suffering through its pretentious bullshit.”

Washington, D.C. — Demolishing yet again another White House norm, autocrat adorer and hamburger enthusiast Dotard Trump is said to be planning on delivering this year’s State Of The Union address via a Twitter live feed from his golden toilet.

It seems most everyone is in agreement that 2018 was all around just a bad year (it feels like it’s been like that for the past two years, to be honest). While everyone had hoped that the orange tinted Kremlin kowtower residing in the White House would finally get what’s coming to him, nothing of the sort happened and instead the disgraceful autocrat adorer was allowed to continue his demented war on truth, decency and morality. Way to leave us with blue balls, Robert Mueller!

Coupon, Pennsylvania — Local visual and musical artist and self-professed cultural dissident Valerie Sanders has run out of ways to express herself and grab attention in the fast-paced era of social media driven by the constant fear of missing out.