Washington, D.C. — Demolishing yet again another White House norm, autocrat adorer and hamburger enthusiast Dotard Trump is said to be planning on delivering this year’s State Of The Union address via a Twitter live feed from his golden toilet.

It seems most everyone is in agreement that 2018 was all around just a bad year (it feels like it’s been like that for the past two years, to be honest). While everyone had hoped that the orange tinted Kremlin kowtower residing in the White House would finally get what’s coming to him, nothing of the sort happened and instead the disgraceful autocrat adorer was allowed to continue his demented war on truth, decency and morality. Way to leave us with blue balls, Robert Mueller!

Coupon, Pennsylvania — Local visual and musical artist and self-professed cultural dissident Valerie Sanders has run out of ways to express herself and grab attention in the fast-paced era of social media driven by the constant fear of missing out.

Washington, D.C. — The AARP (formerly American Association of Retired Persons) has issued a scathing rebuke of Cleveland rapper Machine Gun Kelly for releasing his Eminem diss track “Rap Devil,” calling it “abuse of the elderly.”

Conservative U.S. Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh has broken his silence on why he turned his back on the father of a dead teen shooting victim during a break at his confirmation hearing Tuesday.

In a press conference shortly after the hearing had adjourned for the day, Kavanaugh told reporters he thought Fred Guttenberg, the father of Parkland teen Jamie Guttenberg, was a former gay acquaintance from college with whom he had a destructive and traumatic history.