22 Oct 2015

Hillary Clinton displays impressive composure at 11-hour, climax-free Republican circle jerk

Former U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton displayed impressive calm and composure today at a marathon congressional hearing investigating the Benghazi attacks, which could only be best described up as an 11-hour GOP circle jerk in which no Republican climaxed.

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21 Oct 2015

Ryan adds conditions for speakership run; wants Oasis reunion, special ivory gavel

Washington, D.C. — A day after admitting he would only consider running for Speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives if House Republicans united behind his candidacy, Wisconsin Congressman Paul Ryan today also demanded as absolute prerequisites the reunion of 90s alternative British band Oasis and a gavel made of ivory taken from an elephant born in his birth year, 1970.

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20 Oct 2015

Canada elects gorgeous new prime minister

Ottawa, ON, Canada — Canada has elected a gorgeous new Prime Minister in the person of Liberal Party leader Justin Trudeau. Trudeau garnered 184 popularity points, more than the required number (170) to take the coveted crown. He bested stone-faced Conservative incumbent Stephen Harper, who had to settle for second

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29 Jul 2015

Obama issues Executive Order changing ‘lame duck’ to ‘unstoppable legend’

Washington, DC — President Barack Obama today issued an Executive Order that officially mandates the use of the term “unstoppable legend” instead of “lame duck” when referencing his job performance at the tail end of his two terms as Head of State of the United States of America.

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20 Jan 2014

Obama to Palin: ‘No more playing stupid card’

Washington, DC — U.S. President Barack Obama has called on former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin to step up to the plate of intelligent discourse and “stop playing the stupid card.”

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