bent*spud bought out for Beckham undies
Los Angeles, CA — Tuna Apocrypha LLC, the company that publishes world-renowned news portal bent*spud™, has accepted a hostile takeover offer from online poker site GoldenPalace.com.
Under the terms of the historic deal, reportedly negotiated over a series of cellphone text messages, the owners of Tuna Apocrypha will each get a 30-day Jenny Craig membership (cost of food extra), a copy of the debut album by American Idol Season 6 runner-up Blake Lewis, and a 7-day free pass to Steve Hooper’s adult website, www.stevehooper4u.com.
A spokesperson for Tuna Apocrypha, Dwayne Panache, said the offer was initially rejected by reclusive principal owner and president Thornton Mulchwegger.
“He felt it was an insult to be offered so little,” says Panache.
Mulchwegger changed his mind after being promised a couple of soccer superstar David Beckham’s unwashed jock straps.
“I’ve always known I’d have a use for those filthy things someday,” says GoldenPalace.com board member Mark Correll, who refuses to disclose how the deal-clinching undies got into his slick hands.
Correll said DNA tests conducted on epithelials and pubic hair left on the jock straps confirm that the overpaid soccer star is indeed the owner. “The undies come with a framed certificate of authenticity, so Mr. Mulchwegger can rest assured he is getting what he’s bargained for.”
GoldenPalace.com has no immediate long-term plans for its latest acquisition.
“We are just elated to have Tuna Apocrypha and bent*spud™ under our umbrella,” says Correll. “There will be no drastic changes. We believe in giving our acquirees full autonomy, so everyone can expect the same level of excellence that they have come to expect from bent*spud™.”
“The only thing that’s going to change is that Mr. Mulchwegger will have more time for his gentlemanly pursuits,” says Correll.
Panache said Mulchwegger, who is presently in Switzerland, could not be more pleased by the deal and is “thrilled to be the possessor of the undergarments of one of the greatest athletes of our time.”
David Beckham could not be reached directly for comment. His wife Victoria, however, has sent an incendiary email to GoldenPalace.com blasting them for the deal.
“Bloody hell! This is may-jah! A may-jah infringement of our privacy!,” said the message from Mrs. Beckham, also known as Posh Spice. “You can bloody well expect a call from my bloody lawyer. Like, this is may-jah!”
Correll has simply rolled his eyes at the outburst.
“Oh that Posh, always excitable.” he says. “I’ll just send her a box of shiny things to shut her the hell up.”