Marilyn Manson to be feted at Jehovah’s Witness ceremony

Marilyn Manson, a.k.a. Brian Warner, the self-proclaimed Satan- worshipper reviled by Christians everywhere, is not as devilish as he claims to be.

The shameless self-purveyor rumored to be a goat-raper is actually a Bible-thumping Jehovah’s Witness who has helped convert tens of thousands of Catholics, Methodists and Baptists, and is already on his way to hitting the 500,000 mark.

The ghoulish-looking singer was recently spotted at a Jehovah’s Witness service held at the Greatest Kingdom Hall Ever Made in Lexington, Kentucky. The service was in preparation for the annual Jehovah’s Witness Recognition Ceremony, where hundreds of hardworking and loyal Jehovah’s Witnesses are honored for their excellence in usurping believers from other faiths.

Manson will be given the distinguished Kingdom Hall Achievement Award for his exemplary performance. He was responsible for converting nearly 45,000 people, mostly teenagers, in the state of New Jersey alone. He has been busy with his outreach in the last twelve months during which the singer was hard at work promoting his latest CD, “Anti-Christ Superstar.”

Jehovah’s Witnesses all over the world are adamantly denying that Manson is a fellow faith freak. Pamela Godworthy, a well-known community leader in Wyoming, has issued an official press statement to clear the issue.

“We would like to make it clear to all that Marilyn Manson has no place in our church. He is a spawn of the fiery flames of Sheol. We are God’s children.”, Godworthy said.

Industry insiders are not buying Godworthy’s story. They believe that Manson is indeed a Jehovah’s Witness and is using his “Anti-Christ superstardom” to advance the faith.

“Marilyn Manson is nothing but a wannabe shock rocker who is shamelessly ransacking the vast dark realm brought to life by such pioneers as Alice Cooper and Trent Reznor… all to serve Jehovah,” said David Covenant, who writes for the underground magazine Uranium.

According to Covenant, Marilyn Manson is transmitting subliminal Biblical passages through his hellbending music. The song “Beautiful People,” for instance, is actually chock full of verses from the gospel of John. “Sweet Dreams, ” his remake of the classic Eurythmics song, was meticulously constructed and sheathed with passages from the Ecclesiastes. Manson employs the old “play-it-backwards” trick dating back to the days of KISS, only this time God-praising, instead of Satanic, messages are being conveyed. Covenant says this is the only way Manson could perform his faith outreach.

“There is no way he could distribute The Watchtower openly to his fans. He cannot possibly risk being found out. There is too much church money at stake,” said Covenant.

“I cannot believe how far he’s gone without being detected,” adds Covenant, “His fans need to know that when they buy his CDs and merchandise or go to his concerts, they are actually supporting the same people they have turned away at their door many, many times. He is a liar, a big liar. It is absolutely sickening.”

Marilyn Manson could not be reached for comment as of press time. The singer is still on tour with his band, and will be going back to the studio soon to record his follow-up to the platinum-selling “Anti-Christ Superstar.”

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