The 1st Annual Fishies WinnersPresented on April 1, 2016
at the Taco Bell on N. Cedar Avenue in Fresno, California
Flop Single Of The YearPretty Girls
Britney Spears & Iggy Azalea
Verbal blackface rapper Iggy Azalea had her hopes desperately pinned on this single’s success, which seemed inevitable given that pop princess Britney Spears was on the bill. Unfortunately for Miss Azalea, the general public had already moved on from her and Miss Spears was too busy with her own legendary life to promote the song, knowing full well that it was nothing but a last ditch effort to reboot Iggy’s floundering career. After the song flopped majestically, Iggy canceled her non-selling Great Escape tour and vowed to come back strong in 2016. LOL
Flop Tour Of The YearThe Great Escape
After scoring a couple of big hits on the Billboard Hot 100, verbal blackface rapper Iggy Azalea thought that she was hot shit and could headline an arena tour. She announced plans for the Great Escape Tour in December 2014 and immediately thereafter started bragging on her Twitter account about how she’s going to put on such a great show that people will be able to escape their shitty lives for an hour or so while watching her lip-sync to her hits. The tour was rescheduled in March 2015 “due to tour production delays.” It finally bit the dust and was cancelled entirely a couple of months later due to the lack of any significant demand. The poor thing.
Best Remake Of A Was (Not Was) SongUptown Funk
Mark Ronson featuring Bruno Mars
British producer extraordinaire Mark Ronson and Asian-American lesbian hobbit Bruno Mars surprised everyone by dipping into the vast catalog of 80s pop/funk group Was (Not Was) and remaking one of its most beloved classics, “Walk The Dinosaur.” Unfortunately for both Ronson and Mars, their remake comes nowhere close to the original. Nice try, though. A for effort, for sure!
Most Exasperating Record Of The YearUptown Funk
Mark Ronson featuring Bruno Mars
This remake of a Was (Not Was) song was literally everywhere in 2015. One cannot swing a midget with a wooden leg around without this song annoying the hell out of one’s ears! It spent 14 weeks on top of the Billboard Hot 100 and became the favorite of drunk uncles dancing at weddings and bar mitzvahs everywhere. It gave Bruno Mars more bragging rights, which made it even more exasperating.
Best New Curvy Industry Puppet
After Adele’s massive breakout success in 2011, American recording industry A&R executives scrambled to find the next hot curvy thing that could sing. That thing came in the person of Meghan Trainor, who technically arrived on the scene in 2014, and has been churning out hit after generic hit since. Her song “All About That Bass” won a Ninnyhammy last year. But we’re just going to ignore that and pretend that she’s new, just like the Grammys did this year.
Flop Movie Of The YearFantastic Four
Driven by greed and fear of having the rights to the Fantastic Four franchise revert back to Marvel, 20th Century Fox went ahead and cranked out this ill-fated, ill-advised reboot of the original 2005 movie. It features an entirely different story tweaked beyond recognition which angered fan boys everywhere. The result, as box office returns and critical reviews have shown, is one big fantastic flop. Hopefully this will teach 20th Century Fox a lesson or two.
Flop Song About Rape (That Really Could Be About Anything) From A Discredited Documentary About RapeTill It Happens To You
Lady Gaga & Diane Warren
Desperately thirsty for Oscar glory in her fierce bid for a return to relevance, Lady Gaga conned Diane Warren (who herself is parched for an Oscar win after being passed over 7 times already) into giving her songwriting credits on this throwaway dirge, which was basically already finished and was just waiting to be recorded. It was featured on The Hunting Ground, the widely discredited documentary about sexual assault on American campuses. In order to ensure maximum exposure, Lady Gaga also commissioned dance remixes of the track so that people can dance to it at clubs before they get roofied and sexually assaulted later on. Despite their combined attempts to peddle the song, nobody gave a rat’s ass, and the song quickly faded into irrelevance faster than you can say GHB.
Best Performance By An Actress In A Limited Series Or A Motion Picture Made For Television
as Taylor Kinney in “a relationship with Lady Gaga”
C-lister Taylor Kinney scored the role of a lifetime after being cast as Taylor Kinney in “a relationship with Lady Gaga,” a role that undoubtedly demands sheer resolve and utter determination. Throughout 2015, Taylor soldiered on and inhabited the character believably, showing gratuitous public displays of affection for the failed pop star wherever paparazzi were on hand to take photos for the tabloids. In February 2015, it was announced that Taylor and Lady Gaga are engaged to be married, further showing Taylor’s remarkable dedication to the craft of acting.
Wuss Of The Year
Drake’s surprise-released album If You’re Reading This, It’s Too Late contained a song called “Madonna,” which naturally begged for a collaboration between the two pop culture heavyweights. The opportunity came at Coachella 2015 when Drake invited the Queen of Pop for a surprise appearance during his set. Madonna’s performance of “Hung Up” and “Human Nature” concluded with a surprise kiss which appeared to repulse the Canadian rapper, judging from the video clips that went viral immediately. Drake knew what he was getting into by inviting Madonna onstage, but the way he reacted to that kiss was something that only a wussy ass bitch would do.
Panderer Of The Year
After pandering to the gays and using them to promote her second album Born This Way in 2011, Lady Gaga jumped on the issue of rape when it became the big hot-button topic in the United States. She started giving interviews to anyone who would have her, carefully painting herself as a sexual assault victim without ever naming the person she claims assaulted her (she couldn’t, because she knows it wasn’t sexual assault, and she will definitely get her ass sued if she dared to say it was). Her pandering and bandwagoning reached fever pitch in 2015 in her thirsty campaign to score an Oscar win for her flop collaboration with Diane Warren, the execrable “Till It Happens To You.” After losing the Oscar to Sam Smith’s equally terrible (though a smidgen better) “The Writing’s On The Wall,” Lady Gaga is now on the hunt for a new issue to bandwagon in order to promote her failing brand.