Flop Single Of The Year

Kream
Iggy Azalea

In 2018, the Australian rapper attempted to mount a musical comeback by releasing “Kream (feat. Tyga)” to introduce her “Survive The Summer EP.” The single managed to scrape into the Billboard Hot 100’s lower rungs for a week before falling off into the abyss of oblivion.

Flop Album Of The Year

Survive The Summer EP
Iggy Azalea

The hip hop poseur’s bravely named EP was supposed to usher in her return to chart dominance and pop relevance. Instead, it did the exact opposite and did not survive at all.

Flop Tour Of The Year

Bad Girls Tour
Iggy Azalea

Ms. Azalea is fast catching up on convenient pain sufferer and Academy Award procurement expert Lady Gaga as the Queen of Flop Tours. Her latest attempt at a musical comeback in 2018 was permanently scuttled when her “Bad Girls” tour was scrapped not even one month after it was announced, due to “unforeseen circumstances.” Just call a spade a spade will ya? It got cancelled because nobody was interested in going to the shows. Maybe it’s time to throw in the towel and consider another career? Real estate agent, perhaps?

Most Exasperating Record Of The Year

Shallow
Lady Gaga & Bradley Cooper

This duet from Cooper’s directorial vanity project, A Star Is Born, became the de facto center piece of the failed pop singer’s thirsty campaign to finally clinch an Academy Award for which she had been bargaining since 2014, pouring millions of her own money into buyback campaigns to keep the song afloat on iTunes charts everywhere and give the illusion that people actually like it. She may have succeeded in creating the “perfect illusion” of success, but deep down inside she knows it’s all ill-gotten and undeserved, and thus she will forever feel empty and unsatisfied and seek endless validation from others in order to fill the void even just for a few fleeting moments. What’s next on her list of targeted acquisitions? A Nobel Peace Prize perhaps?

Most Overrated Album Of The Year

A Star Is Born (Soundtrack)
Lady Gaga & Bradley Cooper

Tired of releasing one flop musical project after another, disease aficionado and awards show groupie Lady Gaga pulled out all the stops as well as her check book to ensure her next musical project was going to at least be a marginal success. First, she convinced Bradley Cooper she would bankroll his vanity directing project, A Star Is Born, if he cast her as the female lead. Next, she hired a team of songwriters to write a bunch of new songs for the movie’s soundtrack and allow her to get songwriting credit for changing a couple of words on them. Finally, she flooded the Internet with paid-for glowing reviews of the new music, with the usual scripted extolling of her “vocal prowess” as if Adele or Ariana Grande did not exist. We see through your machinations, Ms. Germanotta.

Best Actor In A Leading Role

Bradley Cooper
in Pretending to like Lady Gaga as a person and in a romantic manner

Throughout the promotional push for his directorial maiden voyage, A Star Is Born, Cooper looked like he really was genuinely thrilled to be sharing the spotlight and breathing the same room air as Lady Gaga. But deep inside you know he really couldn’t wait for it all to be over and done with so that he can finally move on with his life and be free of the Parasite of Pop. That’s some exceptional acting!

Best Actor In A Supporting Role

Christian Carino
in A (short-lived) made-up relationship with Lady Gaga

After her 5-year contract with Taylor Kinney expired, Lady Gaga needed another boyfriend to step out to dinner with, get photographed with and have a fake relationship with for the tabloids. With no one in their right mind seemingly interested in the role, Gaga’s talent agent stepped up to the challenge and played her boyfriend convincingly, even going so far as fake-proposing to the emotionally stunted failed pop star. We wonder if he got paid extra for doing double duty for his client. Probably not.

Accurate Portrayal Of Lady Gaga In A Clichéd Movie About A Desperate Wannabe Wanting To Be Famous

Lady Gaga
A Star Is Born

For the failed pop star’s first starring role, they had to slice and dice the script every which way possible in order to contour it to her own life so that she could at least act as herself in the movie and it wouldn’t be much of a stretch. The only thing that’s different is that she’s wearing t-shirts and jeans in this film instead of bologna or something. GASP!!! What a transformation!

Flop Movie Of The Year

Solo: A Star Wars Story

With a staggering $275 million dollar budget, the second “stand-alone” Star Wars movie outside of the trilogies no doubt underperformed at the box office. It’s hard to tell exactly what went wrong. Was it too much marketing? Not marketed enough? Star Wars fatigue? Lead actor not charismatic enough? People just not that interested in Han Solo’s origin story? Boring story/plot? A combination of all of the above? Perhaps.

Most Overrated Movie Of The Year

A Star Is Born

Everyone was falling all over themselves, acting as if this movie was the best thing since sliced bread, when the truth of the matter is that they were simply pleasantly surprised that it turned out to be not entirely horrible for a first time director (Bradley Cooper). If it wasn’t for Cooper’s sheer star power, no one probably would have wasted their 2 hours watching this dreck.

Most Disappointing Revival Of A Beloved TV Show

Murphy Brown

After airing its last episode in December 2018, CBS had not ordered new episodes of the much vaunted reboot of the 80s-90s TV classic, citing that it was “always” going to be a “closed-ended order of 13 episodes.” How very Trumpian of them. If the reboot had caught fire in the ratings, you can bet Candice Bergen’s bedtime hat that they would have renewed it in a heartbeat. The reboot simply failed to connect, with most of the jokes not landing as intended, and the “old team” seemingly out of place in the modern era. A damn shame, really, because it was really nice to see Jake McDorman on TV again. Sigh.

Most Satisfying Cancellation Of A Once Beloved TV Show

Roseanne

After airing 9 episodes of the rebooted TV classic in early 2018, ABC cancelled the series altogether as a knee-jerk response to controversial racist comments made by the show’s main star, Roseanne Barr. Knee-jerk or not, it was the right thing to do. Deplatform those damn racists!

Best (Ab)Use Of A Dead Relative To Fend Off Career Rigor Mortis

Lady Gaga
2018 Grammys

“Look, everyone, I have a dead aunt, and I’m really sad about it, so I should be totally relatable and stuff, because everyone knows someone who has died. Please like me.”

That was basically the gist of her entire appearance at the 2018 Grammys, where she dragged and flogged the tired old story about how a dead aunt she never knew affected her so deeply and so profoundly that she was moved to name an album after her. There is no bar too low for this wanton woman.

The Janet Jackson Wardrobe Malfunction Achievement Award

Asia O’Hara
RuPaul’s Drag Race Season 10 Grand Finale

One of the Top 4 drag queens vying to become America’s Next Drag Superstar on the show’s 10th season finale had the brilliant idea of incorporating live butterflies into her outfit and setting them free during her lip sync performance as part of a costume reveal. Unfortunately for Ms. O’Hara, things didn’t go as planned and the butterflies didn’t, well, fly. The costume reveal fiasco definitely cost her a spot in the final lip sync for the crown, but at least she should consider herself lucky that PETA didn’t pursue charges.

Walk Of Shame/Exit Stage Left Award presented by #MeToo

Jeremy Piven

The Entourage actor’s CBS drama Wisdom Of The Crowd was cancelled in January 2018 after allegations of sexual misconduct surfaced in late 2017. The star has vehemently denied the accusations and has laid low since.

Tampax Achievement Award for Flop Absorption

Bradley Cooper

Unaware and oblivious of the enormous danger presented by Lady Gaga’s notorious flop transference, Bradley Cooper went into business with the eternally thirsty relevance chaser, casting her as the female lead in his directorial debut, A Star Is Born. What should have been his moment to shine was instead squandered after Lady Gaga turned off most of Hollywood with her duplicity and toxic and incessant need to be validated.

Gatorade Achievement Award For Extreme Parchedness

Lady Gaga

The Academy Award procurement expert’s quest for relevance continued unabated as expected in 2018, with a new movie and soundtrack to hawk around. As per usual, she crowbarred herself into the Grammys and gave a million interviews to anyone who will listen to and pretend to believe her bullshit.

Surrogate For Evil Of The Year

Sarah Huckabee Sanders

For the second year in a row, the White House’s official combative lying piece of shit clinched this distinguished award for her bottomless depravity and undying devotion to her corrupt boss.

Reptile Of The Year

Brett Kavanaugh

The beer aficionado and firm “boys will be boys” believer slithered into the U.S. Supreme Court despite clear moral flaws and a sordid past that involves allegations of sexual impropriety. A loss for the #MeToo movement and a win for toxic masculinity.

Wuss Of The Year

Mitch McConnell

The Republican Senator who has no problems taking money away from social security and giving tax breaks to his wealthy pals has spent all of 2018 acting as Dotard Trump’s rubber stamp and occasional doormat, and destroying the Senate and its norms.

Troll Of The Year

Roseanne Barr

Roseanne Barr could have had it all if she only knew how to keep her racist mouth shut. But it’s hard to do so when you’ve got a racist troll asshole farting out burger farts in the White House and telling you that you’re doing a great job and that he loves you very much.

Panderer Of The Year

Lady Gaga

For the fourth consecutive year, the convenient pain sufferer clinched this prestigious award after spending months self-victimizing and kowtowing to all award-giving bodies to boost her chances of winning an Academy Award.

Dotard Of The Year presented by Depends Adult Diapers

Wayne LaPierre

The gun rights activist and chief executive of the National Rifle Association kept his profile high in 2018, sowing fears wherever he went about the dangers of not having a gun to protect one’s self from a school shooter.

Dictator Of The Year presented by Satan & The Ninth Ring Of Hell

Mohammed bin Salman

Emboldened by a White House that does not care about human rights as much as self-enrichment and wealth acquisition, the notorious Saudi prince ordered a hit on Washington Post columnist Jamal Khashoggi and didn’t even bat an eyelash. To this day, he enjoys life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness despite mounting evidence on his role in the cold-blooded murder.

Gaslighter Of The Year presented by Exxon

Dotard J. Trump

2018 saw a bumper crop of lies spewing from the mouth of pathological liar and coronary thrombosis waitlister Dotard Trump. According to the Washington Post, Trump told nearly 5700 untruths last year, eroding democracy and debasing the office to which he was elected. What a fucking disgraceful son of a bitch.